My journey to the better way

Last week I was at a conference with the national leaders of Campus Crusade for Christ. It was amazing to be around these godly men and women. I loved watching their hearts for people to know Jesus. I was there to help develop a promotional video for the group that sends students into missions. But while I was there I got to attend the large group meeting, and it was there that God spoke something to me that directly affected my thoughts regarding the previous post.

This is what God said to me, “Until you have no ties to human achievement, I cannot ask you to achieve great things for my Kingdom. It would be too heavy, I love you too much to subject you to those chains.” While it sounds harsh, I felt so much love and protection from those words. God indeed lets us go to the consequences of our own selfishness at times, but other times He protects from ourselves without us ever even knowing it.

My mind flooded with different beliefs that my soul said “Yes!” to. I felt moved to write them down because these are the beliefs I want to live out. Watching them move from my heart to the page was like breathing a deep breath of fresh air. Longing for greatness and significance is so commonly human. But sometimes I can long for it and then live as though I’m fine just keeping my feet warm at night. To know, deep down, that these are the things I’m hoping God will produce in me gives me motivation to join Him in His work.

As I wrote, another list of beliefs began to join them. I called them “Sin-Thinking/Me-Centered Beliefs.” They are a list I live out of far too often. Many of these thoughts cross my mind every day and leave me discouraged. They are the things that motivate me to live in a safe world. Because if I take a risk, I may find evidence that these things are true. That would be devastating.

Yet even more devastating would be to live out the Me-Centered list – ironically, it is dwelling on those beliefs that would cause them to come true. It is like sticking my head in the sand as a stampede races to way, trampling everything I was too scared to experience.

God has repeatedly shown sin in my life that leads me back to one solution: what I think about matters. Last fall I realized that bitter jealousy toward my friends and family was sucking the joy and drive to life right out of me. Jealousy wasn’t the issue though – it was the fact that I chose, repeatedly and daily, to compare myself to others, not loving them as I love myself but loving their things/achievements/lives more than mine. That quickly turned into jealousy, resentment, fear of failure, and despair. It was a sick mediation of worldly matters.

It was one morning in my living room that God pointed me to Scripture that shed light on the whole thing: my inward thoughts determine my outward life. To dwell in jealousy and comparison would cause me to live chasing dreams just to prove a point. But to dwell in gratitude and surrender to God causes me to live freely, with joy. The dreams I chase become results of Grace. They aren’t banners that prove I’m worth something or to impress anybody.

This doesn’t mean I withhold my fears from God. No – I tell Him why I’m jealous, why I’m fearful, and He does not penalize me for my confession. He instead shows me the ultimate penalty of dwelling on those thoughts and guides me to something better. God does indeed hate sin but He loves to meet a person in sin who desires to turn away from it and knows she cannot do so without help. Repentance is such a common Christian word that reminds us to turn and walk away from sin. But so often repentance, for me, feels like turning around and clinging to the hands of Jesus as He leads me away from it because I cannot walk away by myself.