Rooftops & Secrets

2011 - 11 memories for the year that was!

2011-12-31T15:59:00.000-05:00

Straight out of my MacJournal ... :) (so ignore the run-on sentences and poor grammar!)

Some of the highlights of the year that I want to celebrate and thank the Lord are . . .

Kenya Short Film School - the beautiful people there, bonding with Libby and Denise, my step of faith to lead 30+ Kenyans to using short film in ministry, Dave Anderson’s compliments and critiques of my teaching, feeling like I was back on my feet for the first time since IU, - The Lord did so much since January 2010!
Filming Grace Covenant’s Youth Retreat - taking a step of faith to film by myself for 3 days with no one around that I knew. Becoming friends with Kelly and her husband, even just for 3 days. Meeting Ginger, the amazing speaker for the high school girls on the trip, seeing her teach with passion, getting her advice on “teach the younger generation” after I admitted for the first time ever that I wanted to do what she does, getting to dance and talk with the girls during their free time, feeling like I could be good & creative with the camera…
LOVED all my friends in Texas. Perhaps because they were the ones God chose for me after 5 years in Bloomington. I loved our evening at Starbucks were we laughed until we cried then talked about Jesus, then laughed, then talked... Our hang out times at Kona Grill, Forever 21, and the Domain. Also, our weekend to film the training videos - it was so fun to explore Austin with Debbie, Sarah, Luke, and Jono.
Nick and I’s relationship - flying at extremely early and late times just to maximize every minute we could have together … our trip to Atlanta. His surprise visit after Kenya. Talking to him on the phone for hours. Dancing at weddings and Bat Bar. His invitation to join him in Orlando and how nervous that made me. (Oh Lord, you are SO good to us. You strengthened us over our year of long distance! I could not imagine this if you would have told me before it happened - and now I cannot imagine life any different. Lord I count it a privilege that you asked me to consider coming here. Thank you for Libby’s perspective that it is worth making this kind of decision into seeing if this is the man I want to marry. And indeed, he is. And Lord, you were so divine in how you helped me decide that Nick was the one I wanted to spend my life with.) If it had not been for project and the month that followed, my commitment to him would not have been tested or revealed for what it was. If it had not been for a month of feeling like I was falling and I did not know where I would land (with jobs or friends or housing) then I would not have seen that Nick was worth it all. I realized that the hardship I was going through was not making me want to back away from Nick but press on so that we could be together. I am SO grateful for the man that he is and the couple we are becoming. God is so faithful to us. I cannot believe how much He have provided and blessed us - from the moment we met until this very day! God is truly a God of grace and abundance.
Filming Cabernet! I loved that crazy, sleepless weekend. Even though I hated it at the time. I got to be on a professional film set and decide on make up and wardrobe. I got to help create and design the set and run around like a mad woman to make sure everything was set up perfectly. I got to watch Debbie, Jono, Zack, and the rest of the Simplebulldog team exercise their enormous talents to write and make the film. I got to be a part of that team, a working body of people. I got to see a very real example of the Body of Christ - each one doing their part, all parts being crucial to a successful final product. Some parts are glorified more than others but all are NEEDED to get the job done.
Australia Short Film School. Getting to know Dipika, Jinfey, and Zhenya in our amazing condo. Living in a beautiful part of the Sunshine Coast. Intimate times with the Lord as I prepared for my turn to teach. Going to the beach late at night with friends to drink warm drinks and look at the stars. Getting to know people from 7 different countries. Walking around the streets of Melbourne late at night with Zack and Ian. Seeing the beautiful town of Noosa with Ebony and getting to know her sweet self that day.
Summer project - laughing, working, and hanging out with our amazing staff team. Disicipling Rosa, Ashlie, Allie, and Ashton. Feeling God work in and through me in their lives. Watching them grow in their love and reflection of Jesus.
Looking for a job and how God provided … if it hadn’t been for driving to that run-down office, then to the computer lab with Workforce Central Florida - I would not have gone to the job fair. And if I had not gone to the job fair, I would not have landed 5 interviews. Which brought me to the job I have now! Not only that but that season was such a sweet time with the Lord. I loved having hours and hours to spend journaling and reading and praying. It was tangible in the way I felt Him sustain me.
The Lord provided over $3500 out of NOWHERE to carry me from one job to the next. I had literally no money and He brought it in with abundance! Because of subletting, people’s generous and God-prompted gifts, and having the funds to reimburse my entire time on project, I had so much more than enough to live off of for that month.
Life group - oh Lord how I am so thankful for these people. They have made this place feel like home!
OUR ENGAGEMENT!! This is one of the best gifts I have ever been given! Nick could not have planned a sweeter engagement for us. I loved being able to join some of my dearest friends here to go on an adventure in order to find the love of my life, waiting with a ring and a proposal to get married! And it is amazing how my parents got to see each place on the scavenger hunt when they visited 3 months before it happened. It was such a joy to know they could picture each place since they could not join us on that day. Again, I am so thankful for this man. I seriously could not picture someone different for my life. Oh Lord, would you make our marriage a place where Your Spirit is alive and free to guide us and hold us together. Let it be a chance for us to become all the more holy, all the more like You. It is such an amazing privilege to join with someone to experience one of the greatest analogies you have for us regarding your love for us.

11/11/11 - we're engaged!

2011-11-15T11:47:00.001-05:00

(This is the super-detailed, long version of our engagement! I wrote it out so that we could capture as much of the weekend as possible! It's mainly for us to look back on but I did want to share it with those of you who like the long version of these things. I'll probably add and take away certain things as we read over it a few times ... but I did want to post this for anyone who is interested in the whole story! )

He put a ring on it! (The story of how Nick Keswani asked Alicia Christie to be his wife!)

On Tuesday or Wednesday of last week my supervisor, Kevin, told me that some of the computers was running slow and needed software updates. He said that each update would take a while so IT was planning on updating them one at a time. They were planning on starting with mine on Friday at 4:30. I was scheduled to work until 7:30 but since I use my computer all day, that meant I could go home early. This all sounded a little strange because no one else at work seemed to know about the prolonged computer updates.

4:25pm on Friday rolls around and Kevin comes up to my desk. “Hey, it’s 4:30 - you need to get going!” I laughed and started packing up my things - I’m not going to complain about leaving early! As I walked out, he mentioned, “Oh, they want to be done by 5 so they can go home. I know it’s going to take long than that though so you can go!” I thought the whole thing was weird but that thought was pretty brief - I was just excited to get off work early so I could join Nick to watch the IU game and have game night with friends!

As I got into my car to drive home I saw I had a voicemail from Nick. “ Hey cutie, so I called B Dubs and ESPN Zone and neither have the Big Ten Network - so we can’t watch the game! I’m so bummed. But hey, it’s cold out tonight, let’s go to that cigar shop at Downtown Disney and get cigars!” My heart sank because Nick has been PUMPED for the first IU Basketball game - he had been talking about it for a month! So, being the awesome girlfriend that I try to be, I looked up and called a local bar to ask if they had the Big Ten Network - sure enough, they did! I called and left him a message that we can check out this local place to watch the game, that way he didn’t have to miss it!

Within a few minutes Nick calls back and says “Oh, hey, my friend told me about this new place at Downtown Disney that has a ton of sports channels. He’s from Iowa and he’s watched Big Ten Network there - let’s check that out! And we can stop by that cigar shop on the way.” I liked that idea mainly because Downtown Disney was closer than the bar that was 30 minutes away. I had some time so I stopped by Walgreens to get some chap stick and also decided to get some new eyeshadow - I don’t buy eyeshadow that much but for some reason I wanted to try something different that evening. Nick texted me to say that he was going to wear a new sweater he had bought with me the other day, “could you dress up a little? I like when you dress up for me! :)” My only thought was “Sweet, I just got new eyeshadow! …Crap, I have no cute clothes here for cold weather. They are all up in Indiana.”

When I got home I mentioned to Becca that I had no cute warm sweaters. (trying to hint that I wanted to borrow something of hers…) She got excited and started sorting through her closet for different things. I went into my room to try some stuff on and she brought out this grey dress. “Wear this! With a black blazer and black tights. You’ll look hot!” I stared at the clothes. “We are going to a sport bar to watch basketball, Becca. Don’t you think this is a little much?” “No, my friends went to this place and they said it’s kind of dressy. Besides, it’s better to overdress than underdress!” I tried a few different outfits but with each one, Becca would say “ooooo…. I like the grey dress better” So, because I am a girl and give into girl peer pressure when it comes to outfits, I stepped out wearing the grey dress. To my relief, Nick walked out of his car with the sweater and khakis. My only thought was that we would both be overdressed for the sports bar together.

….little did I know that the entire afternoon had been one giant set-up.

On our way to Downtown Disney I made a joke about the word “love.” I think I was teasing him about a song lyric he sang to me - we did not use “love” and something he sang sounded like he did. His reaction was pretty serious. “You know why I don’t use that word right? I believe it comes with a promise. I want it to be my promise that I’ll choose to love that person forever.” Not that I was thinking at ALL that this evening would be the night of our engagement, but if I did, then that statement would have shot that idea out of the sky. We kept driving and chatting about our day. I think I was freaking out about my bottom tooth that is slightly out of place.

We got to the cigar shop and the Cigar Expert (what do you call those guys?) was showing us some fancy cigars. Cigar Expert was showing me a cigar that was suppose to smell like honey (it smelled like paper) when Nick leaned over and said he forgot his wallet in the car. I sat down at the bar while I waited for him to go get it. The Bar Expert came up to me a few times to ask if I needed anything. I told him that I was waiting for my boyfriend to get back - which was taking a lot longer than I expected. My phone all of the sudden buzzed with a video text. It was Nick! I grabbed my phone and hit “play” - with no luck. The bar was way to loud for me to hear anything - even with my phone pressed up against my ear. I looked at the Cigar Expert with an “I’m sorry!” expression, and walked out. “Did you get stood up?” he yelled. I laughed and said “Well maybe!” Just then my friend Casey called. “Poor timing, Casey,” I thought and hit Ignore on my phone. I kept trying to listen to what Nick was saying and could only hear “Hide and seek … can’t wait to see you…”

My thoughts went into overdrive - I don’t even think I realized what could be happening. (Maybe a more accurate statement is that I didn’t want to get my hopes up. Plus I was convinced Nick would not propose until the spring.) I decided to call Casey to test my theory. She picked up and asked what I was doing - totally acting that she was just curious about my Friday night plans. I then realized she was useless in my investigation and tried to get off the phone to watch the video again. “No no! Wait. I’m actually pulling up to Downtown Disney. I have head phones - want to use them?” This was the moment that the conscious thought started to go through my head: Nick might be proposing tonight!

Casey came up (looking fantastic I might add) and handed me her headphones. The video was Nick, driving away from Downtown Disney, telling me that tonight was going to be a game of hide and go seek. My job was to follow the clues, take lots of pictures, and build a team together with each stop. “I’ll see you at the end - I can’t wait to see you, I’ve been planning this for a long time!” When I looked up Casey had her phone out and told me Nick had just sent her a message for me. I stared at her and put the headphones in her phone. The first clue was Nick in a place where “people celebrate a lot … it’s a bit like utopia here … see you soon!” My first thoughts: This is happening. WHY didn’t I wear cuter shoes?! (They were grey flats. Not horrible, but not fantastic, either.) Yet I was too nervous to say out loud what I thought was going on … so I just laughed, probably squealed a bit, and hugged Casey. I think my only verbal reaction to her was that I wished I had different shoes on. She was grinning too but wouldn’t say anything either. I told her the clue was for Celebration - a township near Disney that is built like a fairytale. A lot of our friends live in Celebration and we love the central “downtown” part of it - it’s a lake with shops and restaurants around it.

As we drove to Celebration, Casey put on some dance music and we car danced the whole way there. I was SO giddy that it was only appropriate that we have a serious car dance session to LMFAO and the Black Eyed Peas. We walked to the Starbucks in Celebration (where Nick was sitting in the video) and found Aaron and Sadee sitting there. Sadee said “Well, heelllllllooo there! What are you doing here??” I explained what was happening - fully aware that they were probably in on it. Sadee smiled and told me that they just so happened to buy an extra drink … a Caramel Maccihito, my favorite drink! Aaron pulled out his phone and said “Oh, look at this text I just got, it’s for you!” Sure enough, it was Nick with the second clue. “Hey cutie - I’m here, across the way from a shipwreck and where you and I saw the birth of twins!” I knew immediately he was at Disney’s Boardwalk. There’s a huge water slide in the shape of a shipwreck. We went there on my birthday and he bought me a pearl from the Pearl Factory. It’s the kind of place where you pick an oyster and whatever is in the oyster is yours. The one I picked has 2 pearls in it and the ladies there kept saying we got twins!

Sadee asked to join Casey and I on our trip to the Boardwalk. As we drove there, Sadee asked all kinds of questions about how I was doing and if this game of hide and seek was normal. I could only laugh and say “well …. no! I don’t know what’s going on!” I was still unable to say what was going on! We drove to the Beach Club and walked over to the Boardwalk (which I later found out was the wrong thing to do) and found my friends, Hannah and Ashleigh. They were sitting there with some food on the table. “Hey, we heard you were hungry! We got some food for you!” I had not eaten much since breakfast and I did mention to Nick on the way out that I was starving. But by this point my thoughts were NOT on food at all. I think I put 4 bites of a kid’s turkey sandwich in my mouth and then Ashleigh pulled out her phone with the final clue: “Hey! It’s the last clue of the night. I’m out by the water and I can see your favorite princess’ castle across the way. We hung out here a bit when you first moved to Orlando!” That meant the Polynesian Resort!

The 5 of us piled in Casey’s truck and started out for the Polynesian. They interviewed me on camera about what was going on and we chatted a bit. “What if we get there and there’s just a sign that says ‘The end!’” That would be the biggest mixed signal ever!” And sweet Sadee asked if they could pray for me before dropping me off. It was at this moment that I was SO thankful Nick knew me so well. He knew that I would have wanted girls around me to “send me off” and to experience such a special event with me. It was SO great to have those girls with me to laugh and be nervous and excited with. They were such a great part of the evening.

I walked into the Polynesian with my heart going about 100 miles an hour with anticipation and excitement. I turned the camera I had to face me to record a few thoughts - and even then I couldn’t form a specific thought! “I think this is it!! Ahhhh I can’t even say it!!” And then this very sincere thought from the Lord came to mind. It felt like he was walking next to me, excited, and whispering to me, “I am so excited to give you to this man! This is my best for you, sweet daughter, this is my best.” With that thought came a sense of peace and deep joy.

Nick was waiting at this spot called Sunset Point. It’s a beautiful look out that overlooks Cinderella’s castle and the lake that surrounds Magic Kingdom. Nick had a blanket and a huge bouquet of flowers. Daisies because he gave me a daisy the morning of our first date and roses because “they are romantic!” he said. He had the area surrounded with candles, a slideshow with memories of us, and flowers. He sat me down next to him and started reading from a book he made: “Nick and Alicia: Our Journey” It went through our story from the beginning, before we were even dating! Part way through he paused and looked at me “I want to tell you something before I read the next part - I love you. I love you so much!” I was sooo excited to tell him the same thing! I have had to keep that between me and the Lord for so long! He went on to read the reasons he loved me and what he has learned about the Lord through me. ( I do need to add that God was so sweet, he was preparing me for this … earlier that week, I read over a very meaningful verse in my life, Isaiah 43:4, with a fresh sense of God’s love for me. Nick’s first thing on that list was that verse and how he had learned a deeper meaning of God’s love for us through me!)

And finally, Nick told me that we took a big step of faith when we started dating but he wanted to take an even bigger one with me now. He asked me to stand up and got down on one knee “Alicia Riesz Christie, will you marry me?” And I can’t remember what happened exactly after that … I think I answered before he finished! “Of course I will! Of course!!” I pulled him to his feet to hug him and made him ask me again! And he pulled out this BEAUTIFUL ring to place on my finger. We could not stop smiling!!!

Casey came out from behind a distant tree (creeper ;) ) to take pictures of us and celebrate with us. After we took some pictures, Nick jumped up and said “I forgot!!” He ran over to an iPod and hit play - “One Less Lonely Girl” by Justin Bieber came on - and all 3 of us starting laughing! He also brought out Disney pins saying “Just engaged!” for us to wear to the party he and the girls had planned for us. We started to make our way to the car to drive to Hannah and Ashleigh’s. We stopped at the hotel front desk so Nick could thank the front desk workers for their help. The girl at the front desk was so excited for us and took out 2 leis made of real flowers - a white one for me and a yellow one for Nick! This couple was checking and and got SO excited for us. Judy, the wife, took pictures of us putting on the leis and wished us the best.

On the way to Hannah and Ashleigh’s, we called our parents to tell them the news. They were SO excited! And I had only teared up until I heard my dad’s voice. There is something about a daughter telling her father that she’s getting married. My dad was so happy and then he said “Oh my gosh, my baby. My baby daughter is getting married! I was just holding her, and now she’s getting married!” I just lost it! And it was so fun to her Nick’s mom on the phone “Welcome to the family!!” Ahhhh that moment made it all the more real! We both just inherited a new family!!

It was amazing to walk into that house and see so many people there waiting to celebrate with us. I keep thinking how amazing it is that Nick and I have only been in Orlando for a few months and there were 20-30 people who were genuinely overjoyed to be with us on the night of our engagement. After a lot of hugs and congrats we were able to share the story with everyone, including the story of how Nick got the ring and why he chose to propose on 11/11/11. (Both of which will be a different post - because this is already obnoxiously long. ) And our friend Kevin started a toast to us - it was so sweet to hear kind words from our friends here and to receive their blessing. After they prayed for us we mingled a bit over cake and champagne.

Nick dropped me off around 1am after we called a few friends to share the news. He told me he had not slept at all the night before and was exhausted! As he should be! But we pretty much exchanged places … because I could NOT sleep once I got home. I watched a show and then laid in bed staring at the ceiling for a few hours before sleeping. We got up early for the last part of the story: a breakfast at the Polynesian Resort, complete with visit from Disney characters Lilo, Stitch (my favorite Disney character!), Pluto, and Mickey! We took pictures with each character and Stitch even took me dancing around the restaurant during a mini parade. (I am unashamed to say I was the oldest one in the parade. Everyone else even close to my age had a kid they were taking pictures of!) It was so fun to sit with Nick and figure out the lies that went into the past few months to get me thrown off of Nick’s plans. I loved hearing how he went and found the ring, how he called my supervisor to ask if I get off work early, how he would not let some of our friends come to a few events of the past week in case they gave something away, how he worked late hours each night to plan the perfect proposal, and how he rallied all of our friends down here to celebrate with us. I am SO blessed to be engaged to Nick Keswani!!

One final story ... when we called my best friend and her husband, Emily and Michael, Michael asked if I could not stop staring at the ring. It was true that if I wasn't talking to someone, I would glance at it - even stare at it. This is all cute and adorable except I was staring at it as I was driving out of the parking lot for church - and hit a car. The driver was pulling out of the parking spot and wasn't paying attention to me going by. I was staring at my ring and was not paying attention to the car backing out. I swear I was only looking for a second! But sure enough, I looked up, screamed, and bumped into his back wheel. Thankfully I wasn't going to fast and neither of us were hurt or even upset about it. It left a dent in his SUV the size of about an apple but the car already had a few bumps in it. My bumper has a little scratch in it as well ... but I stopped caring about the look of my car when the paint starting peeling off a few months ago due to the Florida sun. Moral of the story? Bright things ... like the sun and engagement rings ... are bad for your car.

Humans.

2011-10-29T10:27:00.001-04:00

It's amazing what humans can do when they forget they are interacting with other humans.

You know, the assumed permission to be reckless with speech and comments because the human factor in the interaction is next to zero. You don't have to be brave enough to say it to their face because you aren't taking to their face. You are talking to (typing to?) a screen. You are talking to a customer service rep on the phone - sometimes with an accent, which adds fuel to the fire because they are not in front of you AND they are not like you.

Strictly speaking, you aren't talking to humans. You are talking to computers and phones which carry your message to other humans. You don't have to see their eyes flinch with pain then flash with anger. You don't have to see their shoulders slump. You don't have to see the look of shock on their face. And best of all, you can hang up the phone or shut down the computer anytime you want. Unlike a face to face interaction, which requires some sort of good bye, you can just leave that world and carry on in the real one.

You don't have to deal with the consequences. After all, you were just speaking to a machine. It's a perfect way to be angry/jealous/frustrated/critical/powerful/popular/intimidating/passive aggressive/vengeful without ever learning the hard discipline of self-control, undeserved kindness, and mature conflict-resoluation.

And I am as guilty as anyone else. In December 2007 I blew a tire in the middle of nowhere, Indiana and was left on the side of a highway - in the dark - while I waited for a AAA tow truck. Huge semi-trucks were speeding by at 70 mph constantly. And they were so close to my unmoving vehicle that their momentum rocked my car with each passing. AAA told me it would be 45 minutes.

It took 3 hours.

After about 2 hours, I called in to scream and swear at a AAA rep. I was scared. And I was angry. Thankfully my parents had driven out to my bum car so I would not be alone. But the whole situation brought me to a point where I did something I could have never done in person to that AAA gal.

Extreme example? Admittedly, yes. But I write to say I have been on "that side" of the conversation. Until I took a job in an in-bound call center, I have always been on "that side." Now I have daily exposure at how the AAA gal felt that evening. It's no fun to be treated like you are less than a human. And I'm not trying to address responsibility here - that is to be considered for all sides. (Yes, AAA did not do what they said they would do. And I may have had valid anger but I did not carry it out in a valid way.)

I'm just pointing out that when there's less visible interaction with a human, we all tend to act ... less than human.

#3b. An Old, Dusty, Blog

2011-09-08T00:14:00.003-04:00

I wrote this a few years ago. It might be on a blog somewhere - it might be on this blog way back in the achieves of Blogger. But I thought I would repost it. It's the reason why this blog has the title Rooftops and Secrets. Enjoy ...

"It’s ironic that the secrets I wish to proclaim are found in the world's best seller, the Bible. Yet I think it is one of the most misunderstood books in the world. Countless people own one but I would venture many don’t read it. I owned one for most of my life and would only open it while in religion class or, even more rarely, at church. There were only a few verses I knew and even less that I understood. When I was young I would try to find creepy or morbid stories in the Old Testament. (I distinctly remember reading the story of Lot and his daughters in horrible fascination.) It helped pass the time through a the boring, endless sermons.

Then there was that one day at church. I was about nine, sitting with a friend and we were leafing through this book to find something of interest. I flipped to the back, the end of Revelation. Do you know what the last word of Revelation is? “Amen.” Basically, “Let this be so.” Those who pray say it at the end of their prayers, a godly way of saying good-bye. At this point, neither of us knew that many authors wrote the Bible or that its contents cover thousands of years. I stared at it in amazement and turned to my friend to show her. We both were stunned to find that the book was one long prayer. I think I spent the next few years believing that someone got down on their knees and prayed the whole stinkin’ Bible.

Well, thanks to the marvelous education I was a part of, I learned that actually this book is a compilation of letters, observations, stories, and hundreds of prayers written by many different people. And many of those smaller books end with “Amen.” My youthful finding stood corrected.

However as I have grown and walked with God a bit I have come back to this thought I had as a nine year old. This book is a giant prayer – but spoken by no human being. It is a prayer that God Himself has chosen to pray and let those who are curious to listen in on his thoughts.

I am humbled to say that God has drawn me in to listen. I do want to tell you I haven’t been listening very long compared to many Christians who have gone before me. At times I have listened with passionate hunger for more and others have been with clouded indifference. What once sat on my shelf correcting dust is now one of the most fascinating, frustrating, confusing, beautiful, and astounding collection of words I own.

As I’ve read the Bible I have noticed how it changes things. It challenges your intellect and leaves you breathless with wonder. It talks about how, if we choose to believe the message it has, God gives us gifts. These gifts are meant to further the message, to draw more people in to listen the prayer God has prayed for us. I know people that can plan events and get people together just to have a good time with amazing ease. Some can take even the most discouraging situation and turn it into something beautiful. There are still some that use art, music, or even sports to speech of the message that changed their life. The best way to describe what I have come to believe my gift is are words found in Jeremiah 20:9:

“But if I say that I’ll never mention the Lord or speak his name, his word burns in my heart like a fire. It’s like a fire in my bones! I am worn out from holding it in! I can’t do it!” (NLT)

There’s something about weaving words together that calms and excites me at the same time. When I encounter God, there is something that stirs within me to write it down – and if I do not, my heart feels as though it is going against its purpose. It cries out in betrayal if I neglect to write down what I know to be true. Writing is my extension into the world, a mark I feel satisfied to leave even if no one decides to read the words. They are my way of allowing people into my life and into my view of God. I claim no truth in them except God’s truth, there is no worth except what He decides to assign. For some unexplainable reason, I want to give some sort of Kildascope view of the God who has changed every part of who I am.

And in this lies the purpose of this compilation. It may stay as a document on Microsoft Word or it might become pages to turn. Whatever the case may be, I hope the words cause my God to sing. I hesitate to write for the purpose of distribution simply because of pride that can come with a gift. Yet Jesus himself said that what we learn in secret should be shouted from the rooftops. These pages are my rooftop and the secrets I have heard are the prayers of my God."

#2b. Comfort

2011-08-04T21:07:00.002-04:00

This is comfort blog.

I am wearing my comfort sweatshirt (a soft, gray IU one that I bought with jill henderson. the hood is the perfect amount of fabric to go over my head)

I just got comfort food: Chick-Fil-A chicken sandwich (yes, bring on the fried, slightly greasey, mass produced goodness) and a brownie (chocolate. it's a stereotype and I am giving in with much joy.)

I am about to watch a comfort show: Master Chef. (Gordon Ramsy, there's something about you that I like. Hell's Kitchen, Master Chef, Kitchen Nightmares - you make me want to be a better cook. aka cook at all.)

Could it be that my physical disposition has something to do with my needlessly crying about a problem that I know will be resolved in a matter of days and, in the grand scheme of things, really isn't that big of a problem? Oh yes, yes it could.

And is it freedom and grace that God gives us to turn to small pleasures when He feels far away for a few days? Or is it discipline to go in my room and "pray it out" until I realize how stupid my feelings are? I don't know. I'm wrestling with that idea as I type. But really I'm not much for thinking about deep things at the moment.

Thank you, Jesus, for the comfort things in life, especially when it's been a hard day - You didn't have to give us anything at all.

#1(redo) My blog is my failure

2011-07-25T21:46:00.003-04:00

Earlier this summer I decided to take on a task: blogging for 5 times a week for 6 months.

I made it to #4.

What happened? Well, I decided to begin the challenge in the middle of an extremely busy time of life. I was working from early morning till late evenings 6 days a week. It's an excuse and it's lame - but I was just too tired.

So I'm starting over. And readjusting the goals. 3 blogs per week for 6 months. I could feel pathetic about it but this blog (and my life) is to be about facing fear and failure. And I'm learning that unless I can experience and overcome fear in the most personal areas of life - from blogs to a boyfriend to jobs - then I am a fraud.

So I'm going to start over with a personal goal done in public view. (my blog)

I'm going to go against the norm/the trend/the pressure to be independent and move across the country to see what good things could happen with a boy. (my boyfriend)

And I'm going to trust with unrelenting hope that there is a job out there. (my future job)

It might be more of a trust thing that this job will not define me. And it will be used by God to make much of this life. I so deeply want to make much of this life I've been given.

#4 "I would"

2011-06-18T20:52:00.004-04:00

"All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ. Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure. So we praise God for the glorious grace he has poured out on us who belong to his dear Son. He is so rich in kindness and grace that he purchased our freedom with the blood of his Son and forgave our sins. He has showered his kindness on us, along with all wisdom and understanding.

God has now revealed to us his mysterious plan regarding Christ, a plan to fulfill his own good pleasure. And this is the plan: At the right time he will bring everything together under the authority of Christ—everything in heaven and on earth. Furthermore, because we are united with Christ, we have received an inheritance from God, for he chose us in advance, and he makes everything work out according to his plan." Ephesians 1:3-11

Last Monday we had bible study and talked about this passage. It is a beautiful part of Paul's letter ... I've heard people talk about how this passage is all about who we are in Christ. And I've heard people talk about how this passage reflects the tremendously beautiful character of God, seen in what His children become when they place their faith in Christ. Our earthly fathers affect us so much - for good or for bad or for both ... imagine the profound affect of our Heavenly Father.

One of the sweetest moments of the study was when we spent a few minutes in silence, rereading the passage with our names in place of any "we" or "us." It was meant to help us get this knowledge out of our heads and into our hearts. This is the part that struck me: "God decided in advance to adopt [Alicia] into his own family by bringing [her] to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure." It amazes me - and causes me to fall into silence - when I think about God enjoying my presence as His daughter.

So we asked, "What would be different in your life if you lived out this passage?"

"I would have more peace about my future/my job."

"I would be a lot more closer to God."

"I would worry a lot less."

I would have more joy."

All of the sudden I wanted to kick the phrase "I would" in the face. There's no point in studying Scripture, asking God to change your heart, or dreaming of ways to change the world if we don't get past hypotheticals. (For the record, I totally answered with "I would ...." so I'm speaking to myself as much as you)

It should be "I will." Trust in God leaves no room for "woulds" - it's either He will or He won't. How much growth and depth do I miss out on because I keep God within the pages of the bible or within the dreams I love to dream?

I will have more peace.

I will be more closer to God.

I will worry less.

I will have more joy.

I will.

#3 Bulletproof

2011-06-14T21:42:00.004-04:00

I love this song.

The first time I heard it was in a dressing room in Charlotte Russe. As soon as I caught the lyrics I started dancing and singing to the mirror. (Don't roll your eyes. You've done the same thing :) ) It's a classic girl-power anthem. Any girl of any age can think of a hand full of guys she'd love to sing this to in her best angry-yet-sexy outfit. "Look at me, you hurt me. Look at me, I'm better off because of it. It won't get to me that I've been wounded because I have become un-woundable."

The funny thing is that this song has a sub-par message. The solution to being hurt is to turn into a shield of metal armor. If you think through that logic, you end up with a lot of isolation and shallow relationships. There's no room to grow because your heart is contained in an unmoving container. I'm not advocating girls to stay in unhealthy relationships ... but I am advocating forgiveness. And grace.

Does anyone else take a fun dance song and think way too much about the lyrics?

#2: location of me

2011-06-13T10:56:00.004-04:00

18 hours in a car. 1,145 miles with a guy who wants to take a step of faith with me. a fantastic dinner in New Orleans with a dear friend from college. a road trip, ending a precious chapter of life and beginning a new one.

It's my second major move in a year. It's also short summary of life since May 24. Currently I'm in the non-stop rush of summer project, a 10 week mission trip designed to train college students in experiencing and sharing the good news of Jesus. I'm also praying and searching for a job that will enable me to stay here.

It feels as though I am in a full on sprint to run off a cliff and hope that water is beneath me, waiting to break the fall. Because I don't have a plan for after mid-July. Not from lack of trying but from the reality of life in transition. My emotions could fill the map - sometimes it's exciting, other days feel like I'm lost. Though it's been a rough transition, it's also been a hopeful one. There are so many places that, if God doesn't show up, I'm SOL. Yep, you read that right. SOL. And if/when He does ... it will be magnificent. It will be worth writing about ;)

So that's my location - physically and spiritually. In a new spot with increasing hope. He has plenty of room to show off.

#1 Barriers (Why this hasn't happened yet)

2011-06-12T09:12:00.006-04:00

The goal: 5 posts a week. For 6 months. June 12-December 12.

I have 2 major barriers to regularly writing this blog. When I began my 30/30 list, I decided to forsake those barriers. They weren't much fun to live by.

The first is straightforward enough: I don't have time. But who does? I think the last time I didn't feel the days slipping by like sand in an hourglass was ... oh ... maybe 8th grade? By the time I was 16, both my mom and I were relieved because I could finally drive myself to the 1000 things I wanted to do each week. The solution to my time problem? Discipline. Ugh. A straightforward answer to a straightforward problem. It's a priority now so I will get up early, stay up late, plan ahead, etc. to get my goal completed. If I get a lot of time to write, I'll write all 5 at once and post them over the next week. It may not be easy, but it's not complicated either so barrier #1 is identified and addressed. boom.

The next is a bit more tricky. What do I write about? Yea, it's a bit weird (even foolish? I don't know!) to start a blog with no direction for it. Nick asked me this same question last night and I mumbled something about life and God and trailed off. Blogs can be vain, preachy, insightful, funny, endearing, informing, an online pity party, bitter, beautiful ... and on top of that, can be read by no one or everyone. I'll be honest: I'm human. I want my blog to be awesome. I hope people read it. And I know that's vain. It's a big reason why I haven't ever started a regular one. Self-glorifcation is not what I'm trying to be about. However, I am about believing God and using the gifts and passions He has given me to make Him look good. And I am about Him being stronger than our weaknesses. I like to write, a few people have told me I'm good at it. And that's God's credit, not mine. So I'm giving my crappy motives to Him and trusting that as I exercise this gift, He'll help me not turn into a jerk.

So the subject matter will be a work in progress. I may write about my current activities or thoughts on an event going on. I'll post videos, ask questions, etc. I love Jesus so a lot of them are going to be founded on Christian principles. If you have ideas for a post, let me know. And feel free to respond in the comments section - no, not because it will make me feel good, but because dialogue is so, so, so much better than monologue. I may promote this blog on facebook/twitter once a week or every 2 weeks but other than that - this is the beginning of me speaking to an online world. I may hear an echo for 6 months because no one is listening or maybe we'll get some conversations going.

Either way, I'm done with barriers.

Thirty/30

2011-06-08T09:20:00.002-04:00

A few weeks ago my best friend, Emily, came to visit me in Austin. We had a blast - shopping, burning peanut butter cookies, and talking about anything/everything - as we usually do. While we were drinking tea from The Steeping Room (one of my favorite place in A-town) we came up with 30 things we want to do before age 30. A bucket list can be a little daunting - making a list of things to do before you die seems like making a list of things that you'll always want to do but never get around to doing. (Well, that's would it would turn into for me ;) )

So Emily and I decided to make a list of things that we plan on experiencing, creating, or doing before our 4th decade of life begins. One of mine pertains to this blog - and I'll go into that at the end. But before that, allow me to share with you my thirty before 30:

1. Climb a mountain.

2. Make a dress.

3. Run a half marathon

4. Write 5 blogs a week for 6 months.

5. Sing - solo! - at a karaoke bar.

6. Work on a Habitat for Humanity house with my dad (he doesn't know this yet ... hopefully he's down!)

7. Watch all the old Star Wars movies in a row.

8. Drive Highway 1 in California with Emily

9. Go on a vacation with college friends (482 ... let's get on this :) )

10. Ride all the roller coasters at Cedar Point in one day. (I did this once with Deanna in middle school ... and it was so fun I want to do it again!)

11. Deliver Christmas cards to those working on Christmas Day. (My cousin and his girlfriend do this every year ... I love it)

12. Learn to play guitar (how stereotypical. but i had to!)

13. Take a seminary class or read Systematic Theology.

14. Get into Jazz music and go to a jazz club with my mom. (she doesn't know this yet either ... )

15. Visit Muskoka again ... it's an old, beloved family vacation spot.

16. Take an art class

17. Host a dinner party

18. See a sunrise/sunset over the water on the same day

19. Learn how to check the oil/change a tire on my car.

20. See a Broadway show in New York City.

21. Make a good Halloween costume (the last legit costume I had was 4th grade when I was the Pink Power Ranger)

22. Learn West Coast Swing

23. Learn how to make jewelry.

24. Explore wedding videography.

25. Go whitewater kayaking.

26. Tutor a child.

27. Read the Bible cover to cover.

28. Buy a stranger's meal.

29. Write a letter to my State Representative.

30. Make homemade bread.

There it is! And who knows - as some get checked off the list others will appear. The point is to live like crazy till 30. Then I'll make a forty/40 list. #4 is something I have wanted to do for a while and have just lacked the discipline to keep up this blog. I love posting in it when I actually get around to it. So starting this Sunday, I'm going to start writing 5 blogs a week for six months. From June 12 - December 12. I would love for you to join me in the journey. Feel free to check in, respond to posts, give feedback or ideas for posts.

And kick the bucket list ... join Em and I in completing a 30/30, 40/40, 15/15, or 80/80 list. Let's live like crazy together :)

the songs of austin

2011-05-18T11:56:00.005-04:00

i haven't posted in a while and in the midst of ending a chapter and beginning another, i figured this would be a fun, light post. we all have songs that could be the soundtrack to different seasons to our lives (I have no shame that 4th grade was lived to the tune of Spice Girls!) So here are the songs that will forever remind me of Austin ...

"Dear Ivy" - Saints of Valory (the first local band I've ever seen that caused me to go home and buy their album)

"The Bright Lights" - Saints of Valory

"Hallelujah, What a Savior" - Aaron Ivy of Austin Stone Community Church

"You Are Stronger" - Hillsong

"I Don't Know What I Can Save You From" - Kings of Convenience

"Brighter World" - Killer Tracks

"You Have Me" Gungor

"Beautiful Things" - Gungor

"Good Life" - One Republic (thanks to Nick!)

"Would You Go With Me." - Josh Turner. Story: I played this song for Debbie. She hated it. She went to Houston and decided to like it. Played me this song, excitedly, because she wanted to show me that she loved country music. I hit her.

"Wagon Wheel" - Old Crow Medicine Show (this song and the one below are songs that I learned how to 1-step dance to)

"Stuck Like Glue" - Sugarland

"Are We All Forgotten" - Paper Route. I don't know if the writer meant to do this, but I find this song to be a beautiful reflection of humanity's struggle for faith in a good God in a broken world)

"Yeah 3x" - Chris Brown

"Whip My Hair" - Willow Smith. This song defined Winter Conference for the program team.

"Bottoms Up" - the artist is irrelevant. I can't stand this song but it played ALL the time in the fall.

"Only Just A Dream" - Nelly. Same reason.

"Letting Go" - Sean Kingston

"Teach Me How To Dougie" - Cali Swag District. Debs, Lydia, and I all tried to do this one night. Lydia succeeded.

Various songs from Killer Tracks - the company that we get our music from. It's legit.

"Oh Say Can You See" - Yes, the American anthem. Debbie sang this song about 5-6 times a day.

What are your songs for this year?

My journey to the better way

2011-03-07T12:54:00.002-05:00

Last week I was at a conference with the national leaders of Campus Crusade for Christ. It was amazing to be around these godly men and women. I loved watching their hearts for people to know Jesus. I was there to help develop a promotional video for the group that sends students into missions. But while I was there I got to attend the large group meeting, and it was there that God spoke something to me that directly affected my thoughts regarding the previous post.

This is what God said to me, “Until you have no ties to human achievement, I cannot ask you to achieve great things for my Kingdom. It would be too heavy, I love you too much to subject you to those chains.” While it sounds harsh, I felt so much love and protection from those words. God indeed lets us go to the consequences of our own selfishness at times, but other times He protects from ourselves without us ever even knowing it.

My mind flooded with different beliefs that my soul said “Yes!” to. I felt moved to write them down because these are the beliefs I want to live out. Watching them move from my heart to the page was like breathing a deep breath of fresh air. Longing for greatness and significance is so commonly human. But sometimes I can long for it and then live as though I’m fine just keeping my feet warm at night. To know, deep down, that these are the things I’m hoping God will produce in me gives me motivation to join Him in His work.

As I wrote, another list of beliefs began to join them. I called them “Sin-Thinking/Me-Centered Beliefs.” They are a list I live out of far too often. Many of these thoughts cross my mind every day and leave me discouraged. They are the things that motivate me to live in a safe world. Because if I take a risk, I may find evidence that these things are true. That would be devastating.

Yet even more devastating would be to live out the Me-Centered list – ironically, it is dwelling on those beliefs that would cause them to come true. It is like sticking my head in the sand as a stampede races to way, trampling everything I was too scared to experience.

God has repeatedly shown sin in my life that leads me back to one solution: what I think about matters. Last fall I realized that bitter jealousy toward my friends and family was sucking the joy and drive to life right out of me. Jealousy wasn’t the issue though – it was the fact that I chose, repeatedly and daily, to compare myself to others, not loving them as I love myself but loving their things/achievements/lives more than mine. That quickly turned into jealousy, resentment, fear of failure, and despair. It was a sick mediation of worldly matters.

It was one morning in my living room that God pointed me to Scripture that shed light on the whole thing: my inward thoughts determine my outward life. To dwell in jealousy and comparison would cause me to live chasing dreams just to prove a point. But to dwell in gratitude and surrender to God causes me to live freely, with joy. The dreams I chase become results of Grace. They aren’t banners that prove I’m worth something or to impress anybody.

This doesn’t mean I withhold my fears from God. No – I tell Him why I’m jealous, why I’m fearful, and He does not penalize me for my confession. He instead shows me the ultimate penalty of dwelling on those thoughts and guides me to something better. God does indeed hate sin but He loves to meet a person in sin who desires to turn away from it and knows she cannot do so without help. Repentance is such a common Christian word that reminds us to turn and walk away from sin. But so often repentance, for me, feels like turning around and clinging to the hands of Jesus as He leads me away from it because I cannot walk away by myself.

Becoming.

2011-02-28T23:49:00.002-05:00

"You don't just wake up one day to find that you are someone you haven't already been becoming."

- a good friend of mine said something like that last week.

she's quoting someone she knows,

someone pretty smart.

This idea, or something like it, has been rolling around in my head a lot recently. There's so much value to good character. Some days I feel like I'm becoming someone pretty cool. Other days I'm becoming something rather forgetful. But for about a week now I've tried to be who I want to look back on when I'm 27. Why 27? I can picture it happening - it's not that typical "what do you want to look back on when you are 90?" bit. 27 is in about 2.5 years. That's a good amount of time to grow, pray, learn, and build.

I don't have an answer to this yet, but before I post one, I'll ask the question I've been trying to answer:

Who are you becoming?

The good stuff - your 5 year plan, your passions, your dreams

And the bad stuff - think about what it will look like if you let that small seed of despair or compromise grow for a few years.

I want to know.

Coward.

2011-01-31T23:56:00.006-05:00

"Resolved, to live with all my might, while I do live."

-Jonathan Edwards
It was 9 hours from Zurich to Washington, DC. That's a long time to be on a plane. It's also a long time to be a coward.

There was a man sitting 2 rows ahead of me, next to the window. If you were with me that day, the first thing you'd notice about him would be his white, chin length hair and his dark big glasses. Then you'd see his skin, how it was gray and pale. You would see how it stretched around the bones of his face, leaving a perfect outline of his skull - because there isn't much else left between skin and bone. You would quickly realize you were staring. Because this blind man is a soft push away from passing from this life to the next and anyone who saw him knew it.

I sat down a few rows back. The woman who was assigned to the seat next to him walked up and laid eyes on her neighbor for the next 9 hours. Her face registered the same curious sadness for a brief second. Then she looked dismayed and uncomfortable as she set her bags down on the seat. I looked down to avoid being rude. A few minutes later I heard her say to the man, "I'm going to switch seats, ok? So you can have some space here for your trip."

My heart filled with this subtle judgment of the woman. Judgment is a strong word - maybe I was more accurately disappointed. Maybe she meant well. Maybe she just wanted to get out of sitting next to him. I started to think, "What if this man is alone? What if he was looking forward to this plane ride so he could feel the warmth of another human being next to him? What if he is bitter from the cards he's been dealt and a kind soul is just what he needs?" And God has given this heart a remarkable ability to cry at the thought of another person's loss, even if there's no direct effect on it. My eyes teared up ... and I went back to my own little world of a plane window and pretzels.

About an hour into the flight I turned on my on-flight TV to watch a movie. When I discovered my audio wasn't working, the flight attendant brought another pair of headphones. When those failed too, the same attendant offered me the seat next to the blind man a few rows up.

From here, I wish the story were different.

Like rapid fire, my first thought was "uhhhh, no." followed by "I could talk to this man, I could get to know him. Maybe he doesn't know Jesus. He needs to know that his eyes could be restored, his body could be renewed - His life could be with God" and then "uhhhh no." I hesitated and told the flight attendant I'd let her know if I wanted to switch seats.

What if he doesn't speak English?
What if he wants nothing to do with me?

What if he takes advantage of me?

What if he smells funny?

What if he wants nothing to do with Jesus?

What if I'm just being pompous and "holier than thou"?

What if he talks the whole 8 hours left of the flight and I get tired of listening?

What if I mess up the Gospel?

What if he really does just want to be alone?

How will I tell him he could get his eyesight back one day without sounding completely weird?

For the next 8 hours, I read my bible, I journaled, I slept, I even watched a movie on an iPhone. But those questions rolled over my mind and knotted up in my stomach the whole time. And I pushed them away. To be honest, I didn't want to try. After all, I had just put in 2 weeks of mission in Kenya. Isn't that good enough?

Oh how much it stings to write this. It is nowhere near good enough. I can't tell you how much I wish I knew this man's name. I wish I knew his story. Or what the story could have been. Even if it resulted in an awkward realization that he only speaks German. It is so humbling to think I let something so precious slip by because I was more comfortable in the uncomfortable "what ifs'."

This morning was my first day back to work. Jonas, a team member of mine, gave a short devotion on thinking in terms of eternity to make the most of this present reality. It was powerful - and paradoxical to think about how the giants of faith are consumed with thinking about the next life, which causes them to have a tremendous impact in their current one. It made me think of the quote at the beginning of this post. I did not live with all my might that day. I did not think about the next life much that day. Really, all I did was think about me.

And why the public confession? Really, it's tough to admit this. Especially since I'm in "full-time ministry." But I write this because maybe there's a reader here who knows he or she has a chance to change the course of another's eternity - or a chance to show love in a tangible way. Maybe they are debating "what ifs" or their qualifications to do so.

But I confess it because maybe it’ll inspire someone else to change the ending of their story. God’s grace makes up for these mistakes and this man is in the hands of someone bigger than me. I failed that day – but praise God, He is victorious.

Oh to experience the grace of God when He does astounding things through us rather than experience it when we fail …

I want to live with all my might.

Back home but still there!

2011-01-24T15:00:00.002-05:00

It's the first day back from Nairobi and I have spent most of the day daydreaming about the trip. Facebook has been my best friend today as I have posted, commented, and looked at pictures. You know how when something fantastic ends, all you can do is relive it and long for it to happen again? That's today. I feel so honored to be a part of this journey.

The Flight School produced 4 amazing films - 3 student films and 1 professional one. The leadership team was SO impressed with the ideas, work ethic, and passion of the 25 students in attendance. I coached "Team 3" - Mike, Cynthia, Joseph, June, Brian, Skubi, Liz, Eric, and Othole - and pretty much didn't need to be there. They were creative, smart, and efficient. I just pointed out a few things along the way.

But more than the technical aspect of camera angles and lighting techniques, a sincere community was formed. Character was revealed and tested. Friendships were formed and deepened. One thing that took me by surprise was how much I became attached to the people there. Saying goodbye was much harder than I anticipated. But I wouldn't change it - it's a much sweet blessing to be sad to leave than anxious to get back home.

Out of preference to list things rather than write a 4 page essay, I wanted to share with you some things I learned from my trip. I list things mostly because I'm personally much more likely to read a list than a long blog post. Read on:

+ Kenyan tea is fan.tas.tic.

+ The generosity I learned from the people there was incredibly sweet. the most precious souvenirs I brought back were gifts from people's own possessions. attached to each thing is a memory from the one who gave it! it taught me i need to do the same.

+ Driving on the left side of the road isn't too bad except when the car turns. i usually had a mini heart attack each time.

+ The people we met were instant friends. They were fun, loud, funny, playful, inclusive, passionate, sincere, and kind.

+ The life stories I heard from some people there were breathtaking. There is a strong spirit living in the hearts of people there!

+ Wearing socks with flip flops is a common thing and ok thing to do.

+ It was fun to see a group of people ages 19-33 spend time playing games. I don't know if that was a unusual event or not but I loved it. There's something really cool about taking time to play like you did when you were a kid.

+ Swahili is fun to attempt. I usually got laughed at though. :)

+ It's hard to mimic the accent over there. I mostly just repeated what people said but could not do it on my own to save my life.

+ Every day I got invited to stay there. And every day it got harder to say no!

+ Everybody was beautiful! Brown eyes are my fave!

+ The laid back approach to a schedule was good for my blood pressure. At times it drove me a little crazy but I was humbled when I realized we still got everything done.

+ We worked from 7:30am-11pm most days. These people are so energetic!

+ It seemed like no one there was shy to sing, no matter talent level. Worship was so great!

+ Whenever we sang in Swahili, I just made sounds that sounded like the words people were saying.

+ People are blunt and confrontational when it comes to conflict. They mean to get it out in the open for everyone to know - so that it doesn't become gossip. So cool.

+ BEAUTIFUL flowers and amazing weather. It felt like California.

+ I need to go back to experience more of Naibori/Kenya in general. We were at a guesthouse most of the trip and from the sounds of things there is much more to be a part of!

Identity Crisis (IC)

2011-01-06T19:54:00.007-05:00

My good friend Lori Wagner is visiting me here in Austin. She is also on staff with Campus Crusade for Christ International. She's hanging out at Bowling Green State University, loving Jesus and loving students. The both of us heard that CCCI is thinking about changing their name. Since we had a little bit of time to kill we decided to take the burden off Stevie D & Cru and brainstorm a bit. Without further ado, here are our top possible names suggestions to replace Campus Crusade for Christ International:

Water The Flame (WTF)

The Crusades (TC)

Messagers With Messenger Bags (MWMAG)

Souls with Goals (SWG)

I'm Forty & I Wear Urban Outfitters. (IFAIWUO)

Disciples of Hillsong (DOH)

Conference Attenders Eager for Eternal Life (CAEFEL)

Abundant Life Flowing From The Blood Of The Lamb (ALFFTBOTL)

Intentional Missional Engaging Authentic Justice Loving Souls. (IMEAJLS)

Way to Christ: Plaid & Hookah (WTCPH)

Christian Cesspool of Potential Spouses (CCOPS)

Laws, Booklets, and Flashcards (LBAF)

"Hey, will you take this survey?" (HWYTTS)

Trendy Hipster 20-Somethings Jus' Trying 2 Get By (TH2SJTTGB) (Our personal favorite)

any other ideas?

QuarterLife Crisis, part 3: Gratitude

2010-12-08T17:14:00.004-05:00

It is crazy to think that the deepest freedom I have ever experienced started almost a year ago. Like many breath-taking experiences it feels like it happened 5 minutes ago and 50 years ago at the same time. I was lost in a tremendous amount of fear, guilt, shame, anxiety, and hurt - and deaf to anyone, including God, who would offer to find me. I was ready to hang up my hat as a full-time missionary - honestly, I was ready to move away from my location and my faith. Miraculously, Jesus came into my mess and pulled me out in the most beautiful way. His grace and tender words to me in the beginning of 2010 still bring tears of gratitude to my eyes when I think about it.

One of the biggest lessons I learned in the beginning of the year was the incredible power that lies in the journey of my thoughts. This has become the meta-lesson of my life for 2010 - and admittedly, it's also been the hardest to retain. If I dwell on my mistakes it's no wonder why I would walk around feeling guilty. And treat people with false humility, crave their pity, or despise their advice. If I dwell on what other people have, it makes sense that I would feel inadequate and foolish in front of my peers. And treat people in selfish pride or with insecure neediness.

This affects my relationships with family, friends, my boyfriend, my God, the future, the past ...

it affects everything.

So when this quarter-life crisis kicked in - this "ohmygoshwhatismylifeamountingtoimusthavefailedandgodmustbesodisappointedinme" season - the battle front was entirely in my mind. One night I awkwardly swallowed my pride and shared some of my thoughts with my friend&roommate, Debbie. My key complaints? "I feel ugly. and I feel like I have no personality, I'm not interesting." Her response was blunt and precious: "That's funny. Those are the two things I would say you are strongest in. You should stop worrying about it."

So, how have I stopped? Or maybe more accurately, how am I trying to stop? Gratitude. And an extra helping of Grace. The only way that gets my eyes off me and onto something worth looking at is by looking around and looking up.

I am so grateful for this job opportunity and my team.

I am so grateful for my mom helping me drive to Texas.

I am so grateful for Nick.

I am so grateful for my family, old friends, and new ones.

I am so grateful for God's provision through family, supporters, and sheer grace to get me here.

And, when my heart feels seasick from trying to be deep and profound, I am very grateful for deep purple nail polish and my insanely soft green blanket.

But none of these thoughts would be possible if God didn't slap this brat with a hand of Grace. This season has tested my faith in Jesus' power and desire to redeem me. Yet He has patiently waited for me to realize this: Any mistakes I dwell on pull my eyes low. But Jesus was lifted up on a cross so I would get my eyes off me and look up to Redemption. So my heart would be emptied of self and filled with gratitude -

whatever circumstance I find myself in.

What will gratitude save you from today?

QuarterLife Crisis, part 2: Confession

2010-11-09T11:52:00.006-05:00

For about a year I have been pretty hesitant to put a journal entry in a public space. Putting things on the internet is a permanent action so offering such a vulnerable essay is tough decision. However I know there are so many times I am convinced I am alone in asking certain questions or struggling with certain thoughts. Then I hear another friend share their struggles with similar things and all of the sudden there's freedom to share my own. So in case there is someone out there that has/is going through a similar journey, I want you to know you are not alone.

Here's part 2 of my quarter life crisis journey. The content parallels the actual written words in my journal entry but some stuff is altered either for clarity for you, the reader, or because God wants it to remain between Him and me. But the heart of the content is still there. And still pretty honest ...

October 20. 2010

"Lord you are worthy of my best. You have full right to me and my life. My heart's prayer is that your will would be done, not mine. Yet I feel the old me creep up and hold on to my old heart's desire: to be the center of my universe. To be the center of the universe. And Jesus I try so often to figure you out so I can feel 'in control' or smart enough to keep up with you.

As I was reading Peter's word in Acts 8:18-22, I was struck by how Peter refused to pray for a man to receive the Holy Spirit because the man was 'full of bitter jealousy and held captive by sin.' The man begs Peter to pray for him so that 'these terrible things you’ve said won’t happen to me!' (v.24) Peter makes no mention of 'terrible things' yet the man seemed to know his wickedness would lead to some pretty serious tragedy.

Lord, I can be filled with bitter jealousy. I can be held captive by sin. And it does block the work of the Holy Spirit in my life. Jesus I can crave your power in my life so I can be powerful. I am unworthy of your love, your blessing, your grace. Lord I know I'm saved by Jesus' death and resurrection - but if my insecurity and pride keep getting in the way, how will I ever be more than someone who gets into heaven by the skin of their teeth? (1 Cor. 3:12-15) Am I beating myself up in the name of thinking too much or is this legit stuff?"

From there I decided to face some pretty ugly thoughts by writing them out. I made a list of what or who in my life stirred up "bitter jealousy" and quickly realized how much of my thought-life was spent coveting these people.

It was humbling to make such a list but wow - I am so glad I did. It wasn't until I was finished that I realized the seriousness of my sin and the root of my problem. Confession gets the darkness out of me and helps me see how to repent - how to turn away and run for my life into the author of Life itself.

So, your turn. What are you hanging onto that needs to be let go? And who are you going to tell about it?

[next up...what repentance looks like.]

WHAT kind of shoes?! [22 F Me Pumps]

2010-10-28T20:27:00.005-04:00

...caught your attention, didn't it?

I figured it was a good title for a comeback blog - the last post was April?! What in the world people. The weird thing is I have traveled to Seattle, Virginia, North Carolina, and Texas since then - not to mention circling the state of Indiana multiple times. So I could hand you the "I was busy" card with good evidence ... but really, like most things of this nature, the honest answer is I got lazy.

My mind has wandered to many different blog topics. This one was the first to break the surface of mental thought onto my computer screen. It started when I was listening to Pandora in an editing room at work. Artists like Adele, Amy Winehouse, and Etta James speak to my soul as of late so Amy's station was filling my ears with her sassy voice. A song of hers came on and I was thoroughly enjoying the rhythm of the song. The lyrics were talking about a girl who is a little too old to be at a club and pretty desperate to hang onto every moment of youth she can. I glanced at the title and was caught off guard: "F- Me Pumps." Whoa. How telling.

I'll be honest, I love the song. It's a little late in the game, as it was released in 2003. But it's catchy and fun. The song is meant to be funny, I think, and poke fun at girls who are acting like 18 year olds when they are 29. Those types can be good to laugh at when you are in need of a lazy&shallow&shady self-esteem boost. In fact, you can check out a rather embarrassing video of my singing it here. (I haven't watched this. I refuse to. And I can't believe I'm showing it to you!)

Nothing really went past the equivalent of a "Facebook Like" in my brain about it until I heard the song "22" by Lily Allen on the same channel. If you took Amy Winehouse's song and turned it around, you'd see this song. Both are upbeat, catchy, and fun(sounding). But both speak volumes louder than a sightly inaprop title or a pretty voice. Maybe I'm reading into things too much but these songs call out a girl-quarter-life-crisis syndrome.

What's this syndrome? It looks a little like this: A girl, post college, who feels a little dizzy because she grew up and doesn't remember doing so. She may or may not have a job of varying impression but secretly wishes she was either a) super successful already b) married c) have kids or d) back in college (maybe even back in elementary school). She may go out and party like she's on Jersey Shore. She might pack out her weekend with social things so she can feel like she's still fun and adventurous. Whoa, is that a microscopic wrinkle?! There's this weird nagging social pressure - in her mind or in the world - that she's approaching the end of her prime. Because the "3-0, uh-oh" is closer to reality than her high school years are. And guys? She's either about to lower her standards, become needlessly bitter and resort to eternal singleness out of defiance, or she throws herself into the relationships of chick flicks and romance novels. She's scared but doesn't feel like she's allowed to be. Her pictures&status on Facebook are her evidence that she's ok. She's happy. She's just fine. Except when she gets home or if her plans fall through, a part of her panics, as though she's watching the sand that is her life slip through an hourglass.

Can I be translucent with you? I think I might be having one of these. Some of the above description relates to me - other stuff comes from observations from other women I've encountered. God is bringing up some ugly stuff in my heart. Initially it's stuff I want to hide but it's foolish to think I'm the only 24 year old that is stuck. Let's refuse to think we're alone and be stuck, together - joining arms often cures stuckness :)

Would you say that's accurate? What would you add/take away? (Constructive) criticism is very much welcome! What are some symptoms of a guy quarter life crisis that differ? Are you in one?

(more to come ... promise ... there's some conclusions

I've come to and "cures" I'm trying -like gratitude!-

but let's be honest, long blogs can be boring :) )

Tidal Wave Music Video

2010-04-27T11:03:00.003-04:00

I love Owl City. And I have secret pride issues because I heard "Designer Skyline" a few months before Fireflies became huge. So when people say "oh wow iloveowlcitysomuchtheyaresocool!" I inwardly think, "I am much cooler than you because I knew them before you did." Just kidding...sort of. Unfortunately. :)

This is someone's homemade music video to Owl City's song "Tidal Wave" - one of my favorites! - and it is so cute and creative. I know, most homemade videos like this are horrible and usually make you angry because it defiles a song you love. But this one, in my opinion, is different. Please put off whatever you are currently doing and watch it:

Restless

2010-04-22T10:41:00.002-04:00

"O Jerusalem, I have posted watchmen on your walls; they will pray day and night, continually. Take no rest, all you who pray to the Lord. Give the Lord no rest until He completes His work..."

Isaiah 62:6-7a

I have some big decisions coming up and it's making me restless. It's a balance of 'giving the Lord no rest' and keeping my mind in check to focus on the tasks at hand. It seems like the lives of recent college grads are constantly nomadic - whether mentally or physically. Each year brings 8 trillion changes in life - changes to be celebrated or adjusted to. I've seen friends pursue jobs that have nothing to do with their major, go to grad school, get married, move away, stay in their college town, grow in the Lord, walk away from Him...all in the matter of 365 days after leaving IU. It's crazy, fun, annoying, stressful, scary, exciting - every feeling that leaves your stomach doing flips and your heart exploding.

I hope I'm not one who gives up on seeing the Lord complete His work. There's dreams and plans for this life of mine. To be honest, it's been tempting to give up and slip into a convenient American dream lifestyle. It's been incredibly tempting to live life for me rather than for God. It sounds boring but at least it 'appears' routine, stable, and safe.

"So take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weak knees. Mark out a straight path for your feet so that those who are weak and lame will not fall but become strong."

Hebrews 12:12-13

It's time to take a new grip. To take a deep breath and remember that this life is best lived in the light of God's promises. I've noticed that when it's tempting to despair it helps just to stop and start listing off the things I'm so thankful for in the moment. God is so faithful and is good - that never changes in the midst of an ever-changing life.

Display

2010-04-19T12:33:00.003-04:00

They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor.

Isaiah 61:3b

"display" & "splendor" are the same word in Hebrew: pa'ar

it means to embellish, beautify, adorn, to glorify, be glorified, to bring honor, give honor, to boast.

"To display God's splendor is to radiate His beauty. We're called to be the radiance of God's beauty on this earth." - Beth Moore

What, tangibly, does a life that beautifies God look like? Trash the abstract statements or vague thoughts that come to mind. (Both of which I am pretty good at creating so I know that's a difficult request) I want to know what this looks like when you are waiting in line at a coffee shop, when you are working out, when you are driving home, when you are having a 'ugly' day, when you are at work/school/the places you daily live in.

There is no room for insecurity in this definition. There's no room for pride, either. We don't work at making God beautiful but, if we choose, we are continually in process of brighten the windows of our lives that let people look in to something more Beautiful than we are.

This is a huge calling. HUGE. Think about it. When we start to follow Jesus, we become holy, blameless, pure, free, spiritually alive, adopted, rooted in love, able to do the impossible, secured, beautiful, shielded by faith, strong, sound-minded, fearless to anyone or thing except God, redeemed, rebuilt, lit up temples of the Holy Spirit. We are priests with swords.

When I read those things I naturally start to realize I don't often live like I am any of them. But that's my identity - and it sounds so much better than one found in myself, my job, my achievements, my ministry, my family, my friends, my anything. The identity that comes with being a follower of Christ is worth losing myself for. And it's not this far off, lofty thing thing that I can't achieve till later. It's something I submit my mind, heart, strength, day, conversation, decision, soul to rightthismoment.

So how are you feeling today? Did you live as though you were a display of these things? A display of his splendor?

God loves Berlin.

2010-03-24T09:02:00.004-04:00

Some pictures to highlight the trip ... more later :)

Don't Think You Aren't One of Them

2010-02-26T08:39:00.002-05:00

You aren't good enough.

Who do you think you are to dream so big?

You - with all that's wrong with you - you really think you can do something right?

Don't think you aren't one of them - one of the many failures. You are.

I don't know about you but those thoughts have crossed my mind a lot. Or someone has told me a version or two of them. And usually I try to stand up straighter while my heart sinks when I hear such things. I think they are painful because they are true. We aren't that strong or mighty on our own - just take away oxygen for a mere 3 minutes and we're dead. Put us in the right situation of frustration, disappointment, loss, upset plans - and we either lash out in anger or consume ourselves in depression.

However there are things that get me so excited and so passionate that I feel like I could burst or conquer the world. There are things that I was born to do and when I do them, it's like my whole world, problems and all, are in sync for a brief beautiful moment. You have them too, don't you? Those dreams and ideas that are so perfect that they don't even feel like your own. When we follow Christ our lives take on a greater purpose than surviving or thriving. Our faith in God transforms our hearts to beat like His does. His passion becomes our passion. His ideas, His very self, get placed in fragile clay jars called people. And so we live containing something greater than ourselves. The Love contained inside of us is designed to consume us so we live under the banner of Grace. And out of those things comes ideas and passions to bring more of each into the world around us. Whether it's sharing your faith on a campus or running an ethical business or healing the sick or feeding the hungry or telling the kids who work at the Wendy's you go to every Thursday that Jesus loves them - it's all an outpouring of the bigger beautiful dream God is making a reality here on Earth.

But I have never known anyone with an intense passion who wasn't pushed to the brink of their existence in the midst of trying to live it out. I have a friend who is crazy about Haiti. She goes there every year. She also almost lost her life to a disease that lasted for years and because of God and her fighting like crazy to heal, she's alive. And she's living in Haiti - after hearing about the earthquake, she moved down there to help. I have talked to women who have gone through horrible experiences that should have caused them to curse God and abandon faith, yet they are leading the way in a student movement because they cling to their faith. It seems like we learn the Gospel and we believe in it - and then God tempers it by showing us just how much we must believe it (not just in it) for our lives to make sense. He must consume us with Grace so living out those passions come from Him rather than our idea of Him.

Hebrews 11 is full of people that lived out their faith and passion for God and there is not a name on that list that had it easy. They each recognized that their lives were better lived in God's way rather than their own. So long as they were true to the Lord and invited other people to do the same, it didn't matter what happened to them. He was enough.

And to us still, He is enough. He is here.

So then, what makes you think you can't?

You aren't good enough, but do you believe He is?

Who are you to insist on doing things your way when His way is true and perfect and for your benefit?

You - and all that's wrong with you - what if God wants to show you and the world that He is the one who made you right?

Don't think you aren't one of them - one of those whose name will be remembered for a life of faith. Because He who lives inside you is the I AM.

"And what more shall I say? I do not have time to tell about Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, David, Samuel and the prophets, who through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised; who shut the mouths of lions, quenched the fury of the flames, and escaped the edge of the sword; whose weakness was turned to strength; and who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies. Women received back their dead, raised to life again. Others were tortured and refused to be released, so that they might gain a better resurrection. Some faced jeers and flogging, while still others were chained and put in prison. They were stoned; they were sawed in two; they were put to death by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated—the world was not worthy of them..."

Hebrews 11:32-38a

Thursday@7

2010-02-21T19:46:00.004-05:00

On Thursday I will stand up in front a large crowd of people and talk to them about God. I'm so incredibly excited and humbled to do so - but I'm really nervous for a few reasons:

-What do I have to say that will take 20 minutes?

-I feel called to be bold and fearless in what I say. Which means there's some stuff in my outline that is a little scary to think about saying in front of a lot of people. I would rather offend them than God though so I must say them!

-What if it's the most boring talk the world has ever heard?

-What if my mouth gets so dry that I can't talk? Better remember to bring a water bottle.

-Silly confession: I have a huge fear that I will swear whenever I get up in front of people. I have these horrible daydreams that I'll drop a f-bomb at a Christian Cru meeting and everyone will faint from the horror of hearing such a word at such an event. This thought crossed my mind literally every week all last year as the weekly emcee.

-I do not want to dishonor God or say anything wrong about his character, truth, or his Word. I hope my tongue falls out before that happens.

-I don't want to focus so much on looking good, having the right outfit on, being funny/witty/charming, as much as I want to focus on walking humbly before God and speaking as I hear him.

I love communicating. I love sharing what God is teaching me and asking others to learn from Him, too. It makes me excited and feel alive in a way that is irreplaceable by any other experience. It's the kind of thing that keeps me up at night and makes my bones shake with conviction and passion. It's an area I hope so much to grow in but also an area that has been traveled before by others who have ended up caring more about the audience of people rather than the audience of God. He has a plan for my life and I do have some hopes and really big dreams about what that plan may look like - but I know that if any dream of mine gets in the way of a true relationship with Him, He will remove it in an instant. And though I will be temporarily confused/angry/sad/frustrated, I will be forever and eternally grateful.

But I hope that he will use this mind and mouth and heart to speak and write and proclaim Him. To communicate to the world what it so longs to hear.

So if you get a sec, pray for your girl who is getting up at 7pm on Thursday to speak as she has heard Jesus speak. And dream really big with her!

Thanks :)

Just wondering.

2010-01-28T16:23:00.003-05:00

There's a older man next to me at the Pourhouse Cafe' that is doing some sort of print carving. He is sitting alone. All his tools in a old rusty can and carries his supplies in a plastic grocery bag. I've been glancing at his work. Currently he is working on a square with intricate faces looking down at what appears to be either toasters or graves (the view isn't so good from where I'm sitting.) Once in a while he sets aside his carving tool and picks up a Sharpie to outline or highlight details. People like this always bring a flood of questions to mind. Instead of interrupting this man and being slightly creepy/invasive, I'm going to ask them to the universe of the internet. Which may still be creepy but at least I won't interrupt his work.

How long have you been doing this kind of art?

Did your father teach it to you? Is he still alive? Do you still talk to him?

Have you ever cut yourself?

What is your favorite thing to design?

Is this your job or is this a hobby?

Have you always lived in Bloomington?

Where is the coolest place you've ever been to and why?

Why are the faces so sad?

You have paint on your clothes. Do you paint too?

Do you remember what it was like to be 23 and have no idea where life is headed but you hope fiercely that it's going somewhere good?

You aren't wearing a wedding ring yet gray hair covers your head. Have you ever been in love? Do you ever feel lonely?

Does the brace on your wrist help with swollen joints or is it just to keep your hand steady?

Do you realize that your life, right now, is inspiring this one to live out her dreams with the same determination you have as you create your artwork?

Just wondering.

Today

2010-01-26T00:55:00.002-05:00

Today was a day that feels like God is starting to move mountains.

It's one that is ending much later than I thought it would - but I am excited, worn out, anxious with anticipation, and at peace.

I think I need to let God do some settling down of my thoughts and restoration of my soul so the work that got started today will continue tomorrow. Please pray that the ideas we whispered today will be shouted and made known soon :)

Dreaming makes it hard to sleep!!

Knowing God.

2010-01-24T22:24:00.003-05:00

Who here wants to know God ... just to know God?

We want to know God for our future, our security, our well-being, our past, our present, our peace of mind, our questions, our fears, and all that's in between.

But recently (as in, the past few days) God has been asking me this question:

'Alicia, do you want to know me just because I'm God? Is that not enough for you? What if the only benefit of a relationship with me is knowing me? I, the creator of stars and lights, animals and oceans, the One who holds the pillars of the Earth firm though its foundations shake ... do you want to know me just for who I AM?'

Gulp. Well ...

In any other relationship it is considered rude, immature, and selfish to have a 'what's in it for me' attitude. There have been people who have stepped into my life and I have gotten to know them for them - their gifts, their personalities, the lovely way they say or do things - and have come to fully enjoy all the intricacies of the person that they are. Consequently some of the great things about them have been picked up by me. Not with intention but by pure exposure to them.

If I get to know God for God - without any agenda or list of to-do's, then I wonder what I would pick up? Love, Patience, Wisdom, Kindness ... just because I am living with and for the One who is the true reality of all of those things. Knowing God just to know him is one of the best and most loving things I could do with this little life of mine. By doing so I might just see everything that burdens me get put into place. Because His very character and my experience with Him in the context of a relationship changes everything. God is enough. More than enough. Simply know that - and knowing Him - brings about everything and more than my stupid list tried to accomplish.

Here's to forsaking agendas.

I want to know more than that.

Worthless.

2010-01-14T23:39:00.009-05:00

"They worshiped worthless idols only to become worthless themselves...'The heavens are shocked at such a thing and shrink back in dismay,' says the Lord. 'For my people have done 2 evils things: They have abandoned me - the fountain of living water. And they have dug for themselves cracked cisterns that can hold no water at all!'"

Jeremiah 2:5b & 12-13

Nobody bows down to anything worthless. Nobody bows down to a dumpster filled with trash. Or to a box of clothes destined to Goodwill.

But we will chase hard after all of the things that end up there. We run fast after the money that gets us the things that end up there. I love new clothes - I love finding 'the right outfit' for that one event. That quickly turns into having the 'best' outfit and attempting to look better than women around me. Or it turns into a competition or comparison game. I end up bowing down to the god of fashion. The god of looking good. The god of insecure glances at the pretty girl with the cute shirt.

But ironically enough those clothes go in and out of my closet a few times and then what I valued so much ends up on a rack in a used clothing store. Or they get old and worn - and thrown away. Since I am eternal being it doesn't work that what I once longed for is now gone. So ... it's off to the mall again to find the new god I can wear & worship.

And clothes/appearance, for me, are just in the minor leagues when it comes to following worthless gods. I am learning - in more detail than I sometimes care to admit - the tragic reality of my love for a broken cistern. When I discover that the value is counterfeit, I fight more and more to find what might be anything of worth. Because if I turn around - if I look inward into my heart it is terrifying to think that I, too, have become worthless. My fear of looking foolish becomes more important to me than living with integrity. Or humility.

We all need water - we all need a lot of different physical and emotional things. All of these things point to the fact that we are so very dependent on external sources for life. I love how God addresses this in Jeremiah through the idea of thirst. He is the very source of Life, Love, Security, Safety, Acceptance, Comfort, and Completeness. He is not just an analogy of these things or a representation of them but He IS them. His unchanging character and faithfulness are the very things we ache so much to experience. So it's easy why he is so disgusted and amazed (in a bad way) that his people would turn to the cheap love and security a worthless god offers when the immeasurable value of His provision is closer than their next breath.

We become reflections of what we bow down to and consume. If it's cheap and ultimately worthless then one horrible day we'll wake up and realize that's what we have become as well. If it is the Living Water of Christ ... then we wake up one day and realize that God has completely changed everything into a more beautiful reality than we could ever ask or imagine.

Stop Trying.

2010-01-10T19:26:00.002-05:00

What if we handed things to God and remembered to draw our hands away? What if we gave him our broken dreams, our broken hearts, our wayward tendencies and then backed away? If our eyes rest solely on the Lord then it gives him complete room to rebuild us, truer to our design than we ever could imagine. He can do such beautiful things when I don't help him.

In my performance-driven mind, that last sentence sounds like a load of crap. It even sounds like I am disobedient or unwilling. Because when I am willing it usually means I am willing to participate. I am willing to do. I am willing to lead a bible study. I am willing to serve a year in full-time ministry. I am willing to help a friend in need.

But am I willing to ... stop? walk away? There are areas that do indeed require action and participation. But there are still others that seem to require a sense of maturity and discernment - or if neither are available, then a desperate 'last resort' attitude - to leave complete at the throne of God. Jesus said "destroy this temple and i will raise it again in 3 days." And then he was beaten and crucified - and then was alive again 3 days later. My burden, shame, fear, anxiety, wayward living, lies, lust, envy, gossip, murder, and adultery were ripped away by his blood and left in the tomb by his power.

I wasn't involved at all in the greatest thing that ever happened to me: my own redemption and stance with God. What if I believed that so deeply that I let God crucify and destroy the areas I insist on being a part of ... and then watching Him as He brings a more beautiful thing to life?

Really, it is a beautiful refinement. A life built up by God? It would be a body that is His temple, a mind that is His praise, and a heart that beats silent to the world but echos ceaselessly in the Kingdom of God.

I miss Twitter.

2010-01-08T13:49:00.004-05:00

Yea, it's questionably pathetic that I miss the application that lets you inform the world of your activities throughout the day. Because by submitting those 140 character statements, you are automatically concluding that someone, somewhere, cares enough about your life to pause theirs and read about yours. (wow this is sounding dismissal! haha) I deleted my account a few days ago and have realized that I have learned how to think in 'tweets.' Something will happen and I'll think, "That would make a great tweet!! oh ... dangit."

As I have spent a good part of today at Barnes & Noble multiple tweets came to mind. I opened a Word document and started typing them. Here are the tweets that will never be ... ;)

oh and I even character counted every one of the following to make sure that they are under 140 ... yikes ...

I love love LOVE the prayerletter.us service … it makes me feel like I can conquer the world.

Homeboy at barnes & noble – nobody here wants to listen to your business transactions via cellphone so stop walking around like we do.

Hmmm … planning the rest of the semester. Blank sheets of paper will soon have brainstorm maps on them. Holla, middle school English class.

Dream: I would have a beach house & never wear shoes. & have lots of people visit! (yea, looking @ beach house décor mag)

This powdery snow makes me want to dance in it!

more later perhaps? we'll see :)

More Important Than You

2010-01-07T23:36:00.002-05:00

"For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I gave Egypt as a ransom for your freedom, I gave Ethiopia and Seba in your place. Others were given in exchange for you. I traded their lives for yours because you are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you." Isaiah 43:1-2

Maybe it's the New Living Translation or my limited biblical knowledge, but this is the only place in Scripture I know of where the fancy language that describes the Love of God gets stripped away for the simple 3 word phrase that says it all,

I love you.

Isn't is astounding to know that a ransom was paid for you? A life - a perfect life - was given so yours could be loved.

And it has nothing to do with your effort. Don't we willingly give up our opinion of ourselves when someone in higher authority speaks differently? I was a horrible swimmer when I joined the high school swim team. I mean, I knew the different strokes, I knew what "3x50 on 1:00" meant. But I was bad. My very first practice was at Carroll High School and I struggled to finish the already reduced workout given to me. At the end of practice I was feeling pretty low and debating if I should stay on the team. But as I was getting out of the pool my coach came over and said "Alicia, that was great! You have a lot of potential!" ...and there went any doubt I had that I should stay on. His higher authority - his higher expertise - saw something in me that I could not see from my own perspective. (My first 100 yd time was, gulp, a 1:09. 4 years later I finished a 58.8! Which in the swimming world isn't ground breaking at all ... but it's a lot of ground to cover in just 4 years!)

So when I feel worthless - lost - shameful - cheap - forgotten - ugly - fill in the blank ... it would be tragic to forget that there is One who is in higher authority who looks at my life and says "she is loved! she is complete! she is mine." What a wonderful reason to bend a knee at the throne of God. He has given so much to demonstrate his love.

Warrior

2010-01-07T11:01:00.002-05:00

OK so I need you to do me a favor. Go to iTune, search for "Warrior" by Sojourn and listen to it. Then listen to it at least 16 more times. It has been more or less on repeat for the past 2 days. It is, as the authors of the song put it, a 'most unusual worship song.' And it is - it's style is very unique and the lyrics are bold - so bold that I think some worship leaders would pass this song up for other, more tame and friendly lyrics. And in some cases I think they would have good reason.

Check them out here. They have some videos up about the production of their latest album "Over the Grave" for those of you who love music and making it. :)

This is so, so good. This song, along with "How Long" by this group have been the songs that express my heart in truer ways than my own prayers. At times. ;)

David rejoiced in God alone

He was raised by grace to an earthly throne

But Christ the son demands our praise

For His kingdom has no end of days

Lord, you rejoice in victory

When another lost soul bows to its knee

Rising tide of righteousness

With the shield of truth upon your breast

Oh the warrior!

Honor and majesty divine

Around his sacred temple shine

Grace and might so long foretold

In crowns of glory, not of gold

Your hand shall find out every foe

And as a fiery furnace glows

With raging heat and living coals

They will feel your wrath upon their souls

Oh the warrior

will conquer all

The world will fall before His feet

Earth and sea will give up their dead

The nations gathered before him

A day of glory, a day of dread

No one dares now ignore him

round two of ready, set, go!

2010-01-06T11:40:00.002-05:00

Either tonight or tomorrow morning I will head back to Bloomington for my second semester as an Intern. The first semester went by so fast - and to be honest, it was really difficult on many levels. Your first year out of college is weird regardless of where you are/what you do your first year out. On one hand it was really cool - and a big blessing - to be in the same town I went to college in. I still have a ton of really close friends, I know the area, Bloomington is awesome, and Cru has a wonderful staff team & student population. On the other hand it feels a little distant - as though I am a stranger in a place that used to be incredibly familiar. Others who stayed at IU for a fifth year - for whatever reason - feel the same. It's cool to be there but you also are watching a completely new generation of students form their own memories, make their own definition of what it means to be in college. Specifically to Cru, it's one of the most bizarre things to watch what was once 'your world' (as a student) become someone else's world.

And actually, specifically to the movement of Cru at IU, it doesn't really belong to the students or the staff - it belongs to God. We are responsible to follow His commandment to bring the Gospel to the world. And the little part of the world we are living so happens to be in south central Indiana with people that come from across town or across an ocean. So my dilemma about feeling 'distant' is only an emotion - my calling and responsibility are so much greater.

Who knew that emotions weren't the end all/be all? Last semester there were definitely days where I acted out of emotion - and they were not pretty. This semester I hope to fight to work out of my walk with God. There's a decision I made when I was 14 that God continually presses me to consider and recommit to:

"Jesus, I'll follow you with everything. You can have my middle school crushes, my obsession with being popular, my allowance, my awkward identity crises. Because I want you instead. You can help me be nice to my parents and do well in school and go on 2 week mission trips. Because you say that faith without works is dead."

...that's a big deal for a 14 year old girl to say. But it's not enough for a 23 year old girl to say.

Because one day the middle school crush turns into a forsaken long term relationship.

The obsession with being popular turns into a quest for a busy social life & right status.

The allowance turns into a yearly salary - or in my case, the support of people giving to the Lord and entrusting it to me.

The awkward identity crises turns into the desire to be skinny and pretty at all costs, along with the fear of never living up to potential.

And the works that come from a living faith go from respecting curfew and going to Mexico for 2 weeks to giving up summers, years, or lifetimes to Jesus' commission.

So there's more to lose - and more to gain - as God leads me back to that place of commitment to Him. I didn't know what I was getting into at 14 - and would be foolish to believe I do know at 23. But God did and he wasn't done when He stepped into my life. No - to Him it was just the beginning.

Praise God he has labeled me a work in progress. As the stakes get higher God continually draws me deeper into Himself. So through any fore coming event of the semester, I can believe that God is preparing me for the greater thing, the better thing - a relationship with Him and a chance to live this life as the adventure He planned it to be.

Round Two, let's go!!

Why does faith matter?

2010-01-04T17:47:00.001-05:00

Why is faith - and a right view of God - valuable?

Here are some of my thoughts:

it involves something greater than me.

it makes us right with God.

Jesus had faith.

I know how to survive a storm.

it is humility.

it is trust.

is gives me a place to rest.

it is what my soul is designed to do.

we need faith to have hope.

it is the language of God and His people.

it sees past sorrow

it is a promise of something greater.

it is knowing that the bucket of salt water belongs to an ocean.

it honors God

it loves God.

it believes God.

it defies physical circumstance. (Abraham)

it tells me that there is more to today ... but also that today is worth living.

it lives.

it gives heaven a reason to party.

it outlasts everything.

we only get to have it once.

it gets up from earth to heaven.

it spits in the face of despair.

it is walking with a great crowd who have gone ahead.

it is the most valuable thing.

what about yours? i would love to hear them :)

Walking Without Chains

2010-01-03T13:17:00.002-05:00

Happy 3rd day of a new year & a new decade!

It's a clean start - a fresh beginning to define. The last four days of 2009 for me were spent with about 2000 other people in Indianapolis, IN for IndyCC - Campus Crusade for Christ's winter conference. It was awesome - I have never heard such a clear teaching on God's Holiness, our brokeness, our need for true repentance, and Christ's beautiful gift of grace. It was exactly what I needed to hear - and truth be told, it's exactly what we all need to hear. The message spoke general and life-shattering truths that the Lord used in specific, life-changing ways in my life during the conference. And the implications sank in even further as I sat down with Jill for 2 days to talk about some pretty intense stuff.

But oh wow - God has begun answering prayers that I have been praying for about 2 years now. He is pursuing me! To use an Old Testament analogy, I feel as though a part of me has been in exile and I have just heard the trumpet blast to start heading home. I am beginning to experience this reality of the Christ-centered life: We are hopelessly broken and bent - and our total depravity and addiction to sin chains us to an eternity apart from God. And we are under this bondage because we will never chose God on our own. God saw my broken ways and knew that the only way out was through a path He himself would have to build. So Jesus saved my life, starting in heaven with the beginnings of a path that would descend down to the depths of hell to reach this girl who got lost. So now Jesus is here, ever patient and loving. In this salvation now I have the freedom to begin to learn how to walk without chains. Chains can be so heavy that even though they are gone, we can still walk with the bent backs of those who are still under the weight of them. He has set me free indeed - but now He has shown me that it is time to learn how to walk as a free woman.

So what's all the real life application in the midst of abstract rambling? There are some things that I have to change. I have decided to sign off Facebook and Twitter for a while. In their absence I hope to blog more. Not so much because I think people will desperately miss me, but I hope to record this journey in a way that maybe just maybe someone else can follow along and learn how to walk free, too. Over the next days and weeks I'm going to tackle my beliefs about God because I think there are some that are a little shaky. Our beliefs about Him ultimately dictate our emotions and actions. So for those two to change, the source of them must go first.

"Set up road signs, put up guideposts. Mark well the path by which you came. Come back again, my virgin Israel; return to your towns here. How long will you wander, wayward daughter? For the Lord will cause something new to happen - Israel will embrace her God." Jeremiah 30:21-22

the best way to begin a decade

2010-01-02T23:42:00.003-05:00

radical love.

this is a picture that is evidence that i experienced this over the weekend. you see, there are few people that will pick up and drive 8 hours one way just to meet a friend in distress - doing so only out of reaction to a simple yet heartfelt email.

this is jill henderson, one of the most godly women i know, a close friend and someone i look to follow as we both follow Christ. her wisdom, love, and practical application of scripture is unlike anyone else i know. she met me in bloomington for less than 24 hours - and we sat and talked for 8 of those hours in two different restaurants.

it is such an incredible blessing to have her be a part of my story of growing in faith in Jesus. we didn't do much more than 'eat pancakes and drink coffee' (as she put it) but the Lord used her to show me what missional living looks like in the context of sincere friendship and sincere commitment to developing Christ-like character. i hope that God will use me in younger lives the way he has used her life in mine.

'the heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume as incense... as iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.' proverbs 27: 9&19

reasons to laugh

2009-12-21T12:40:00.009-05:00

on Dec. 27th I will get to see some of the beautiful women that filled my junior and senior years of college with laughter, hope, true&real friendship, and countless memories that make this life a ton of fun to live:

dedicated to the girls that made 482 the best apartment in bloomington: jenny, micki, leslie, megan, katie, amber, kristi, and alicia

See you girls in a few days! LOVE YOU!

[there you are, amber. i was just savin' the best for last ;) ]

Pinball

2009-12-19T23:55:00.002-05:00

The semester is over. I am so so thankful for the rest that is coming.

What I am about to say comes from a personal level - so if you read this blog as one who supports me or only knows me as Alicia the Cru Intern it may not make sense. That's ok - welcome to Alicia the human being :) I preface the following also because it does not describe my work on campus this semester - that's another post.

You know pinball machines - how the ball gets slammed and bumped and shot and violently thrown into things that only send it flying somewhere else? So my heart felt for most of the semester. The cause of this ricochet substance is mostly due to relationships that got hard/awkward/hurtful/confusing. It left me with a ton of questions. A ton of reasons to be angry.

A ton of reason to force my eyes down and away from God but even more reason to try to keep them steady on Him.

I don't publicly confess this for or out of pity - no, I say it because there is beauty in the exile - there is a lesson to be learned. And hopefully it will be clear enough to share it with you.

There is rest waiting for me here in my parents house. The pinball machine has stopped. So I confide to you, reader of this blog, that I plan on turning off my phone and email throughout the break so I can be with the One who made me. So I can remember what life outside a pinball machine feels like. God can be God and I can be me - simply there, with each other, lacking agenda. It is the hardest way to be with God - to be quiet and honest before him, totally open and still. But it is truly the most beautiful.

I'll keep you updated :) In the mean time, here are some things I am really looking forward to: (in no particular order!)

1. Hanging out with the woman who gave me life - we plan on going to DeBrand at some point :)

2. Who wants to see The Princess and the Frog? Or Avatar? Yea me too.

3. Trans Siberian Orchestra!!

4. Christmas Eve Service at Fellowship Missionary Church!

5. Being with my family - they are the best.

6. Drinking Vanilla Chai from the Firefly Coffeehouse and reading

7. Seeing friends from home - especially DAACFEW :-*

8. Sleeping in

9. Sitting on the awesome comfy couch that we have in our living room.

10. Practicing rest, prayer, solitude and stillness.

11. Christmas morning breakfast with the extended fam

12. Possibly a Canterbury Green lifeguard reunion? That would be fabulous!

13. Sledding anyone?

14. Working out - it's been a month and a half since doing it regularly so I'm excited to get back into being healthy :)

Ok, there's probably more - I'll add them as I think of them :)

-Alicia

You suck at saving yourself.

2009-12-10T11:32:00.003-05:00

"Humble yourselves under the mighty power of God and at the right time he will lift you up in honor. Give all your worries and cares for God for he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:6-7

Let's be real. You can't do it on your own. That person you are worried about? That issue that won't leave you alone? The confusion that leaves you dizzy? The storm you are in the middle of?

You aren't strong enough to get through it. Alone.

So be honest in the heartbreak. God steps in when we step aside, bringing the rest and relief we are so desperately in need of experiencing. The way you are handling it without Him is comparable to drinking water from a puddle when there is a fresh spring right behind you.

And he can't wait - can't wait - to be your Savior, your Rescuer, the one you look to in immense gratitude because He is the one who saves you. Why is God's glory the most important thing? Because it is what saves us - God is glorified when he rescues his children.

Letting Him rescue you and letting him be your eternal satisfaction is what will light up the heavens when you get there.

Half the Sky

2009-12-09T10:28:00.002-05:00

"Women hold up half the sky." - Chinese Proverb

I sat and read this book for an hour at Barnes&Noble. Currently I'm trying to buy Christmas gifts for others so this purchase will have to wait. However, from what I have read it is INCREDIBLE. These two authors have an audacious idea that we can change the world.

Change the world of women. And change the world through women.

I can't imagine - cannot, cannot, cannot imagine - growing up with my friends and fearing puberty because that is the age where girls disappear. Can you imagine going to school in the 4th grade and seeing that a couple of girls aren't there because they have been kidnaped and sold into forced prostitution? Not that a lot of these girls get to go to school even - my jaw dropped to read about one girl who was the first in her family to graduate elementary school.

And their world is horrible. After the brothel owners 'break' them (I'll spare you the details) they are so afraid for their lives and so hopeless for escape that they comply with their owner's desires: Smile - customers don't like girls who look depressed. Get excited to see customers - they pay more if their prostitute is willing. Inso doing, they get covered with the shame of appearing to enjoy their profession. Thus becoming an ignored population to those of us who think that those who need saving are crying.

They are slaves in every way a human being can be a slave.

But the book is not entirely full of horrible stories. It is a call to action - they are very direct in the introduction that they hope readers will join them in setting free millions - millions - of women who are lost, forgotten, enslaved, and without hope.

"Lord, you know the hopes of the helpless. Surely you will hear their cries and comfort them. You will bring justice to the orphans and the oppressed so mere people can no longer terrify them. " Psalm 10:17

So go read the book. And change the world.

Emotional Porn, part one

2009-11-29T14:33:00.006-05:00

Think about it. What is porn known to do? It portrays a fantasy, it's unrealistic, it sets up expectation .... and then you get mad once you realize the real thing is not like the fake thing. And a lot of women I have met who are close to men who have struggled in this area are devastated with hopelessness: "my legs/arms/face/butt/etc. don't look like that," "I am not that skinny," and, worst of all, "I am not that beautiful." Porn tells her lies that feed her insecurities. Her holy, God-given desire for a life-long companion gets thrown into a blender of perfect bodies and warped fantasies - and all of the sudden she believes the only way to find that companionship is through being what she cannot be: perfect. At best she does what she can to come to God with her insecurity and fight her entire life to believe that she is beautiful because of Christ. At worst she becomes like the women that men chase on the computer by wearing revealing clothes, being overly flirtatious or outright seductive, or letting her body become as cheap as men will take it. At best men do what they can to honor women and fight their sinful bent to lust. And at worst they will encourage this behavior and even expect it in the women they meet/date/or marry.

[This type of man - the 'worst' man - makes me sick. Because I acted like one of these 'worst' women. And I have consoled many others who are these women. But that is another post.]

But women are not off the hook. We answer to God how we react and treat our brothers. Our insecurity is not an excuse for sin. In fact, our insecurity is sin itself - we need to repent to God that we daily look at ourselves and say "I am not enough" when someone in a higher authority to us has spoken otherwise.

I am the queen of insecurity. And recently I have noticed one warped way that I try to soothe such a longing of perfection/companionship: emotional porn. Where did that horrible term come from? Multiple conversations with some godly women who struggle with the same thing. And what, exactly, does it mean? It means watching a chick flick/chick show and wishing that love story would happen to me. It's listening to a love song in the car and daydreaming a long list of 'if only's' that go along with that particular boy - real or imaginary. It's reading those books that look so enticing on the shelf but leave you feeling emptier than ever when you put it down.

What does emotional porn do? It portrays a fantasy, it's unrealistic, it sets up expectation .... and then you get mad once you realize the real thing is not like the fake thing. A woman I met in Indy was telling me about a married man she once worked with who commented that after seeing "Twlight" with his wife, he felt a sense of anxiety and jealousy from a source he could not identify. He went on to say he felt helpless at times to be the husband his wife seemed to want. My friend asked him what kind of books/movies his wife preferred to which he replied with a long list of romance novels and chick flicks. "That's where the jealousy comes from. You will never make your wife happy because you will never be the man in the movies. As long as she turns to those things as a source of expectation, you will never measure up to her desires."

Stories and movies containing 'flawless' men (or 'flawless' women for that matter) are a bit ironic because they have been created by a flawed mind. Did you ever notice it is women who author a good majority of these stories? Women are creating the ideal men, ideal situations, and ideal results. (Sound familiar to the real porn industry?) We are not allowing God to let us discover great guys for what great guys are designed to be.

Harsh? Crazy-sounding? Maybe. Actually - it is. It's crazy to say that "How to lose a guy in 10 days" is equatable to "Playboy." But the more I pray about this area of being an image-bearer of God, a ezer/helper in His Kingdom, and a co-worker with men in this endeavor, the more I am becoming personally convinced that I need to be really careful in what I read/watch/think about. Eve was deceived by allowing herself to be convinced that what appeared harmless was indeed just a piece of fruit. Yea, "Hitch" is harmless - but only when you are intentional and conscious to make it so. It's fake. It's a story. The likelihood of Will Smith helping out your secret admirer to win your heart? Tiny. He's got better things to do.

So, what's the point? Will I ever watch a click flick again? Yea - it's not like this is about legalism. It's about grace - it's about growing close to God. My personal conviction to cut back on that kind of content has come from my own journey. Some women reading this are probably reacting, "What in the world is this girl thinking?!" because they don't see anything wrong with these movies. And that's fine - my intent on this post is not to start a rebellion against girl movies or to make anyone feel guilty. This is me, on my journey. I have to be careful to kick the lies I hear in the face and commit my heart to God and His word. And if I have learned anything about sin&lies, it's that there are usually other people around me struggling with the same thing. So ... these are some my thoughts.

What are yours?

BOO! Scary movies.

2009-10-15T11:51:00.002-04:00

Here comes the 2nd guest post from my good friend, Brennan Michael Peters. This post is more in spirit of October - and more true to his style that the first post. He is a movie-fanatic who is able to stomach some pretty intense stuff while I usually hide under a blanket. The goriest scene on the planet could be on the screen and he would be eating a bowl of spaghetti - and I would be gagging and wishing I was dead.

(and as I write this intro in Panera, another customer's cell rings to the tune of 'Halloween.' Perfect.)

So here it is, an informative list for all of you who are in the mood to scream in horror or disgust. Happy October :)

“Always check your candy.”

-Dylan Baker, Trick ‘r Treat

It’s the Holiday Season again—and no, you pansies, I’m not talking about Christmas.

The leaves are falling and the air is transforming from humid to crisp; it’s Halloween.

As a man who holds a Bachelor’s Degree in filmmaking, one of the biggest staples of the Halloween season for me is horror movies. And because I have done nothing but sit on my thumbs and pick my nose with that degree since graduation, I have taken it upon myself to contribute to society (you, dear reader of Alicia’s blog) by compiling a list of the ten best horror films that you must watch this witching season.

However, before you scold me for my lack of mathematical skills, I should like to point out that this top ten list is actually a top twenty list; a list of ten CLICHÉS (you’d be hard pressed to find any film fan, amateur or professional, who does not include Halloween on their top ten list of best horror films) and a list of ten BRENNAN’S PICKS (a title not so apt being as how I’m technically picking all twenty) which consists of not-so-orthodox films that you won’t see grace many conventional top ten lists.

So here they are; twenty horror flicks to regale yourself with between hanging obnoxious fake cobwebs from your front porch and slipping razorblades into Reese’s cups for your unsuspecting trick-or-treaters.

10. CLICHÉ: An American Werewolf in London (1981)

Hands down the best of the three superb werewolf movies released in 1981 (the other two being Wolfen and The Howling.) No werewolf movie has ever come close to topping the transformation scene in John Landis’ comedy-horror flick. The make-up effects by Rick Baker not only shows you the transformation, but makes you feel your own bones break in the process. Just avoid the “sequel,” An American Werewolf in Paris, arguably the worst movie ever made.

BRENNAN’S PICK: Dog Soldiers (2002)

It’s Saving Private Ryan—with werewolves—in Neil “The Descent” Marshall’s film debut which pits British soldiers against a pack of the bloodthirsty lupines. And if you’re a Grey’s Anatomy fan, you’ll salivate over Kevin McKidd’s badass performance as the troop’s corporal (especially since he’s not sleeping with anyone named Sandra Oh in this one.)

9. CLICHÉ: Scream (1996)

Love it or hate it, writer Kevin Williamson and director Wes Craven redefined the slasher flick with this one: a horror movie with self-aware characters who know they’re in a horror movie. Also, Drew Barrymore dies within the first ten minutes, which earns the movie major points in my book.

BRENNAN’S PICK: Feast (2005)

If Scream turned the slasher genre on its head, Feast turns the monster genre on its head…whilst decapitating it. This film (featured on the third season of Project Greenlight) places a group of unnamed barstools against a horde of ravenous creatures of unspecified origins and tramples any set horror rules in the process. Yes, the hero dies within the first act, a small child is eaten soon thereafter, and Jason Mewes (playing Jason Mewes!) has his face torn off. And I challenge you to name any other movie that features the fat guy from 30 Rock becoming covered with monster bile as efficiently as this one.

8. CLICHÉ: The Blair Witch Project (1999)

If you’re one of the haters of this terrifying mockumentary, watch it again. If you still hate it, watch it yet again. And if you still hate it, you might as well kill yourself because you have terrible taste in horror movies.

BRENNAN’S PICK: Altered (2004)

The makers of The Blair Witch Project followed up their modern classic with this low-key and very underrated tale of a group of friends seeking revenge on the alien life form that had a hand in ruining all of their lives. Contained is the best human disembowelment scene in years.

7. CLICHÉ: The Wolf Man (1941)

Setting several “rules” in modern werewolf lore (notably silver physically affecting the beast,) The Wolf Man conjures up beautiful set pieces with glorious black and white photography to deliver one of the best fright flicks of all time. Now, if they would only remake this movie and cast Benicio Del Toro and Anthony Hopkins (oh, wait…)

BRENNAN’S PICK: Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954)

Not as popular as the other Universal Monsters, but the Gillman is the most sympathetic of the bunch. He’s a creature living his life free of human interference, until he is destroyed by the thing that destroys males of any species: the love of a woman.

6. CLICHÉ: The Fly (1986)

One of the few remakes that surpasses the original, David Cronenberg’s version of this tampering-with-science themed gross-out film is as grotesque as it is tragic. Starring a pre-Jurassic Park Jeff Goldblum, The Fly manages to create sympathy for the lead character/creature in the midst of acidic vomit, the birthing of a giant maggot, and not to mention an arm wrestling contest gone seriously, seriously wrong.

BRENNAN’S PICK: The Fly II (1989)

Hated by most and dismissed by the rest, this sequel to Cronenberg’s original came nowhere near to receiving due credit. Directed by Chris Walas (The Fly’s original special effects artist) and starring a young Eric Stoltz, The Fly II is a brilliantly disgusting sequel, even if it fails as a brilliantly disgusting work of originality.

5. CLICHÉ: The Thing (1982)

What can I say? John Carpenter used to have talent. The most terrifying aspect of this claustrophobic thriller is not the alien-being stalking the scientists of a secluded Antarctic research station, but the relationship between those scientists and the lack of trust among friends when crap hits the fan. Starring Kurt Russell. Co-starring Kurt Russell’s beard.

BRENNAN’S PICK: Pumpkinhead (1988)

Jurassic Park special effects guru Stan Winston (rest in peace) helmed this supernatural revenge gem. Dripping with atmosphere (the man really knew how to drape his scenery with an eerie amount of fog,) Pumpkinhead is the story of a man (played by Lance Henriksen, one of my all-time favorites) calling upon the services of a murderous demon to seek vengeance upon the group of teenagers who accidentally caused the death of his son. Why Lance Henriksen never made it to the A-list is far beyond this film geek’s knowledge.

4. CLICHÉ: Halloween (1978)

No explanation necessary.

BRENNAN’S PICK: Shaun of the Dead (2004)

It’s rare these days to experience a horror movie that is as well-written, well-executed, not to mention as scary AND funny as Edgar Wright’s superb zombie flick. I would legally wed this movie if it were socially acceptable/physically possible. The dry British humor mixes well with the gross-out zombie horror and makes for a great final product. A perfect movie.

3. CLICHÉ: Jaws (1975)

Impeccable. My favorite film of all time. No plot description necessary here, for if you don’t know the plot of Jaws, you’re already on your merry way to hell. Steven Spielberg never topped himself on this one, and let’s face it, the man probably never will.

BRENNAN’S PICK: Planet Terror (2007)

Robert Rodriguez’s half of the double-feature GrindHouse is a zombie movie at its best…a zombie movie that has been extremely “Rodrigified.” Rose McGowan with a machine gun leg. Josh Brolin as an infected sicko. And an alternate reality where Bruce Willis has killed Osama Bin Ladden. Pure perfection.

2. CLICHÉ: Alien (1979)

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t pee my pants when I watched this movie as a kid. The beautiful thing about Alien is that on the surface it appears to be a run-of-the-mill sci-fi film, but succeeds in being the most horrifying horror film of ALL TIME. Directed by a pre-Gladiator Ridley Scott and starring a pre-Gorillas in the Mist Sigourney Weaver (not to mention with brilliant creature design by German weirdo H.R. Giger,) Alien is hands down the scariest movie ever made. Ever.

BRENNAN’S PICK: Dead-Alive (aka Brain-Dead) (1992)

Before he was making mainstream crap (i.e. Lord of the Rings,) Peter Jackson had his big toe in good movies. Hailed as the goriest movie of all time, this New Zealand fright flick features pus pudding, a mentally handicapped zombie baby, and hordes of the undead being mowed down by an Anthony Perkins look alike…with a lawn mower. Did I mention that it’s funny as hell? Features one of the best lines of dialogue by a ninja-skilled priest ever (“I kick --- for the LORD!”)

1. AND FINALLY…: Trick ‘r Treat (2007)

I didn’t know whether to include this as a CLICHÉ or a BRENNAN’S PICK, so I’m giving it a spot all of its own—and it certainly deserves it. It’s a cliché because it’s loved by those who have seen it…and a Brennan’s Pick because I’m one of the few who have. Trick ‘r Treat was slated to be released in October 2007, but was pulled by its parent studio (Warner Brothers) so as not to compete with whatever Saw movie was being released that year. Now, two years later, it has finally seen its DVD release, and it’s a movie to be revered. It is hands down the best seasonal Halloween movie that’s been concocted since…well, Halloween (the original, not that Rob Zombie joke). Trick ‘r Treat, in the tradition of Creepshow and Tales from the Crypt, follows characters from four different storylines as they deal with the spooky happenings on All Hallow’s Eve. It’s the horror version of Crash; the difference being that Trick ‘r Treat is actually good. Smart writing, beautiful cinematography and genuine thrills and laughs are what sets Trick ‘r Treat apart from the annual Saw films and whatever else is passing as horror movies these days. So even if you have completely disregarded my entire list up until this point, make sure you heed my advice on this one and check out the Pulp Fiction of horror flicks.

Obviously several great horror films were not able to make the top ten cut (honorable mentions include the overrated The Exorcist, the Stephen King classic Cujo, George Romero’s first three (FILL IN THE BLANK) of the Dead movies, and the genuinely terrifying Jesus Camp) but take my opinion with a grain of salt and you just might enjoy yourself with this list of cinematic shockers this October.

Happy hauntings, kids. And don’t let the newly appraised sugar tax keep you from enjoying your Milky Ways and Kit Kats.

Kaitlyn: your own post :)

2009-09-09T11:33:00.003-04:00

Alright, I took too long on this response as well so I thought I would just dedicate a whole post to one girl's very good questions ... if you have anything to add, I would love to read it. I'm only one girl addressing a very big God :) My words are limited.

1. One quick comment/question: "Perfection cannot hold hands with imperfection"... didn't Jesus do just that?

Good perspective! My thought behind that particular statement was more on the characteristic of God that describes his absolute holiness and goodness. Nothing less than holy can be in His presence, ever. His holiness is the exact opposite of our human condition - we are not holy and therefore cannot be in his presence until/unless we are sanctified (made holy) by faith in Jesus.

But that could raise the question, "How then could Jesus live and walk on the earth as a perfect and holy God among everything less than himself?" (and I think that's what you are getting at, right?) I think of two verses that may help:

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God... And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth. John 1:1,14

And the Pharisees and their scribes grumbled at his disciples, saying, "Why do you eat and drink with tax collectors and sinners?" And Jesus answered them, "Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance." Luke 5:30-32

It's one of the biggest mysteries of the Christian faith that Jesus was completely God and completely man. His human nature walked among sinners and made him just like us (but without sin). His divine nature is what gave him the authority to forgive sins, bring His kingdom to earth, and break the power of death by dying and coming back to life. Indeed, Jesus came to heal those who were sick. He was not shy about touching those with disease and embracing those who were cast out of society. But a doctor does not become sick himself in order to heal those who are dying. He must act with compassion and be willing to reach into the most disgusting wounds with the intention of changing the ill circumstances he finds.

2. Do you think it's possible for our own mistakes to detract us from God's plan? I mean... everyone always says "I'm right where God wants me to be, even if it seems bad." But is it possible to NOT be right where God wants you to be, because of your own faults?

Yes. Here's why:

But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit. Galatians 5:19-25

As Christians we have two choices: to live by our sinful nature or to live by the Spirit. When we confess faith in Jesus Christ, we are given the Spirit of God - He lives inside of us and does the work of transforming our hearts to be more like Jesus. We always have access to the Holy Spirit if we believe in Jesus but it is our decision how much we turn to him. The more we live by the Spirit the more we will be attuned to God's will and plan for our lives. The more we live by our own human nature, the less we will be in line with God's will (because, in our human condition, we will never obey God).

If we continually insist on living life "our own way" we will live apart of God. But that's more of a pattern and attitude than individual events of sin. I can chose to follow the Spirit and still sin. It is His guidance that helps me confess and repent. If I do not repent, my heart becomes hard and unwilling to live by God's guidance.

I fully believe that God can use evil for good and that His will for our lives is not threatened by our sinfulness. Instead, he offers us a chance to live for His will and continually pursue it more than our own desires. The journey of leaving behind our sin and embracing God's grace will take our entire lives. But God is ok with that - He's made it that way. It's our choice if we take up the journey or not. Indeed, if we don't show up, He will find someone else to carry out the plans He has made to bring His kingdom to Earth. But he has spoken again and again that He delights in using us for His purposes. In fact, we will not be satisfied in any other endeavor.

Thoughts anyone? What are your answers to these questions?

Junk Drawer [random thoughts!]

2009-09-01T09:17:00.002-04:00

some thoughts that are runnin' through my head on this beautiful tuesday morning:

1. Everyone needs God - especially as we gain authority and leadership in the world and in his kingdom. Take a look at the US federal government - no matter your political stance, it's easy to see that things are a mess and tensions are high. People are consumed with either being upset or defensive about so many issues. With a ton of people and power underneath you, you need to humble yourself before God - the giver of authority&guidance - otherwise things just ... suck.

2. Support is coming in and I am so, so close to being done! (but not yet!!) God is moving people in ways that are clearly outside of any influence I possess. What a testimony to God's power, provision, and His work in the body of believers! Take that, economic recession!

3. Yesterday was sooooo weird - everyone at IU was walking to their first class of the semester and I was driving back to Fort Wayne for some support business. It was the first time in my entire life that I didn't have to go to the first day of school! And you know what? I miss it! Learning is fun (one of my roommates, Jenny, said that my love of learning makes her excited to be a teacher - haha :) )Graduate school may be more of a reality after all!

4. I'm reading "Seeing and Savoring Jesus Christ" by John Piper - it's really, really good! I can get so caught up in everything else that I forget to pause and think about who Jesus is. And to think about God is the best of all thoughts! So, here's a part that I loved:

[Jesus] calls us to take heart from his absolute authority over all reality. And he reminds us that, in all that authority, he will be with us to the end of the age. This is what we long for - a champion, an invincible leader. We mere mortals are not simple either. We are pitiful, yet we have mighty passions. We are weak, yet we dream of doing wonders. We are transient, but eternity is written on our hearts. The glory of Christ shines all the brighter because the conjunction of his diverse excellencies corresponds perfectly to our complexity. - John Piper

alright, that's it :)

happy tuesday!

Alicia

A Response

2009-08-30T12:09:00.013-04:00

[check out "No Rest" and the comment

following it to get context for this post.

thanks!]

"sounds like "god" gives u excuses to take the responsibility off yourself... u get to say say "oh it hasnt happened because god didnt want it to happen"... instead of "it didn't happen because I wasn't good enough" or "i messed up". it's never ur fault, is it? sad." - anonymous

My first reaction to this comment was "oh snap!" And it may be strange - especially to the author of the comment - that I would quote this and make a whole post around it. But here is why I did: 1. It's a good point and I have been able to think about it a lot - enough just to post a whole new blog. 2. It is the first comment I received that hasn't been positive. I was really happy to see someone having the mind to contradict everything I wrote and then share it with the blog. I want people to know they can leave whatever comment they want - so long as it's not wildly obscene or inappropriate, I want you to say whatever you wish!

I made an assumption when I wrote "No Rest" that may have been a wrong assumption to leave unstated. Simply put, the assumption was the good news of Jesus Christ. To Anonymous: I am not good enough. I have messed up in ways that amaze me - ways I never thought I was capable of doing. I have hurt, lied to, cheated, gossiped about, manipulated, and betrayed people. I have focused on myself, messed up with guys, spent too much money, and have had too much to drink. I have been judgement, lazy, and cowardly. None of that is God-pleasing and I think most people would agree- no matter what faith (or no faith) you are. And even as I type these words I wonder if it's wise to admit to such a public forum. But on the other hand I also know that I am not alone in these mistakes. No one is perfect - I know that first hand because I have not only been the giver of grief but the receiver of it too. I've been cheated on, lied to, betrayed, gossiped about by other people. They have put themselves before any one else. They have used sexuality as a toy rather than a scared gift. They have been more concerned with their bank account and social calendar than they have been with God, the poor, the sick, and the oppressed.

There is no way to get out of it. I am responsible for my mistakes - one huge conviction I have is that excuses are lame. I only give them when I am too scared to say that I deserve 100% of the blame. So when I have wronged someone I try my hardest to never give an excuse. Sure, I may have been tired when that argument occurred but that's no reason for me to be short and rude with my words. I don't even go there. Excuses disrespect the person you have wronged and undermine your character. (and let me be clear, I'm not perfect even in this conviction)

And the biggest problem with this lack of perfection isn't any consequence you'll find on Earth. The biggest problem is that in all of these things, we disrespect, dishonor, and pull away from God. He is perfect. We are not. (Notice that a "good life" doesn't even come into play. What is good enough?) Perfect cannot hold hands with imperfect. We have one life to live and we will spend it running from God. And at the end of life He separates the perfect & holy from anything other than perfect and holy.

That means me. That means everyone.

Why is it bad to be separated from God? On Earth we wrestle with "what's good" and "what's evil" - it's evident in the thought of Relativism - so long as you have a faith and believe in a god, you are good to go. Find your truth. Be your truth. Nobody wants to draw a line or offend anyone so we all just define our own way and go - then cross our fingers that it's going to get us somewhere desirable. On Earth, we see the evidence of a Designer - in nature, in space, in new life. The complicated workings of the world are so tremendous that it leaves most people wondering, "who made this?" It's much like finding a watch in the middle of the Amazon. You wouldn't ask "what spontaneous elements came together to form this?" you would wonder who made it, who owned it, or where it came from. Simply put, on Earth we have a chance to interact and get to know God. If we are separated from Him that option is no longer available.

And this is our fate if we insist on living life on our own.

However, the Bible equates true love with the true God. God knows that we are not and never will be perfect. He knows that we are running from him and will be separate from him. And part of the Good News is that God isn't ok with that separation. How do I know? It's evident in the life of Jesus. God funneled himself into a human body of a man and lived the perfect life that we will never achieve. Jesus talked about this place called the Kingdom of God - a place where imperfection is not welcome but the souls of you and me are. He taught us how to love. He taught us how to live. And then he was killed. The significance of that death is huge because it was the death that we were suppose to die. That was going to be the result of our imperfection - separation from God. But then Jesus conquered death - He came back to life, forever changing the fate of humanity. God's justice was satisfied in Jesus' death and we were forever made right with him in Jesus' life. We didn't deserve it - while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

The result is the opportunity to stand in grace. We can confess that we are not perfect and never will be - and then confess that Jesus took our place on the cross and made us right with God. Then we will experience eternal salvation.

But the good news is not just for what happens after we die - it is also for the days we get to live. Since we have been made right we God, we can trust Him to complete us and give us a purpose. He pours love into us so that we might pour love onto others. With that kind of love, we have a chance to change the world. We still wrestle with imperfections and hurts but we do so in the ending knowledge that these things will not alter our stance with the One who loves us so much that He died in our place. Sure we will experience consequences on Earth that are a result of our actions - Jesus forgave the thief on the cross but did not take him off of it. And yea, some people use God has a cop-out card or a scapegoat for the rough patches they fall into. But God intended the grace he's given us to show us a love that would bring us closer to him and further from sin. That journey isn't over until we die but He designed it that way. If anyone uses grace for otherwise, I would argue that they don't fully understand a.) the state they are in before experiencing grace or b.)the gift they have been given in grace.

(whew this is turning out to be forever long!)

To Anonymous - when I wrote "No Rest" I wrote it from the stance that I stand in before God - completely forgiven and loved. But also confused and wrestling with the fact that I do not always feel that way. You have made a very logical observation that Christians (including me at times) use God as an excuse. It's not meant to be that way. Hopefully this helps you understand where I am coming from. Thanks for reading.

Six points if you made it this far,

Alicia

No Rest

2009-08-26T00:49:00.001-04:00

"Because I love Zion I will not keep still.

Because my heart yearns for Jerusalem I cannot remain silent.

I will not stop praying for her until her righteousness shines like the dawn,

and her salvation blazes like a burning torch ...

Take no rest, all you who pray to the Lord. Give the Lord no rest until he completes his work ..."

Isaiah 62:1, 6b-7a

God please do not forget...

Lord where are you?

Why aren't you doing anything?

Do you care?

Can't you see I'm helpless?

Lord guide me - I do not know the way.

Don't you want this to happen?

Don't you promise to always be with me?

Are you out there?

....Do you even exist?

If I had a dollar for every time I have used one of those lines with God, my support would be done and I would also be bankrolling every other staff member on the IU Cru team.

There are times where God calls me - or least, I think he calls me - and in obedience I respond ... only to experience results that would seem to contradict any calling I thought I heard. Other times life gets turned upside down when I least expect it - I heard it put well yesterday, "we are all only a phone call away from being on our knees." It's those situations in life that leave you feeling bitter, confused, alone, angry, devastated, resentful, or just worn out. To be honest, those situations suck. For me, it's stuff like

not making it past the final interview,

friendships that seem to be ending,

relationships that end up hurting much deeper

than I thought would,

or waiting on something that just

doesn't

seem

possible.

[...what is it for you?]

And in these times my faith feels useless. Because there is conflict that occurs where I know that God is

big

powerful

in control

loving

merciful

forgiving

healing

and restoring

yet my heart feels everything opposite. Then the tug-of-war begins between the two because I know that faith is so much more than feeling but it is hard to act on what feels impossible/unlikely/not true. It's not just an absence of evidence that makes belief and faith hard. That would actually be pretty easy. No, it is the presence of evidence against belief that is so staggering.

If I thought I heard the Lord tell me to go to this place and when I get there I only find out it's a dead end ... did I hear anything to begin with?

If God is a God of love yet He takes away what meant so much ... does He really love me?

If He gives me a destination yet I have to face obstacle after obstacle to get there, even to the point of arriving late ... is He just making a mockery of my life?

[yes,yes,&no]

Like Isaiah, my heart yearns to be somewhere it is not. I desire to do things that cannot happen yet. Perhaps there is work to be done 'behind the scenes' that I will never be aware of but yet must wait on in order to live out the journey. So my task is to give him no rest - seek him in whatever means I have and in whatever state I am in - He is capable of bringing dreams into reality. He is able to heal wounds that seem deeper than we are. He is able to shine brighter as my perspective gets dimmer.

From Isaiah's words, I see a faith being expressed in frustration. There is something that needs to happen - and happen soon. But it has not and God has withheld the restoration Isaiah longs to see for his people. But he does not keep still. He does not succumb to doubt and cease to pray. "Give the Lord no rest..." Because God has revealed himself to be a HUGE God. And until we see him respond in HUGE ways ... we pray.

and wait.

re: Culture ... the reaction

2009-08-20T17:24:00.002-04:00

[ My good friend, Brennan Peters, has been in my life since August of 2001. We became friends in the freshman hallway of Concordia Lutheran High School and I have been laughing ever since. He is a great writer and will probably be writing the movies you'll watch one day. It may not seem like it upon first meeting, but he will be the first one to come running if you need help. Enjoy the first guest post of rooftopsandsecrets. ]

"Life'll Kill Ya"
-Warren Zevon

Ambling through life like the herd of sheep we are, it's hard to be nice. It's even harder to be nice in the great city of Chicago, where there's a drunken Cubs fan around every corner, homeless men defecating on public sidewalks, and tourists who think that Navy Pier is the end all be all.

I was the friend on the 'L' train who told Alicia not to make eye contact with fellow passengers. And I have something to say.

Five years ago when I first moved to Chicago I was as optimistic as every other inexperienced Indiana country boy. I thought the move would be different--a huge step away from the 17 acre Roanoke ranch I grew up on.

Jump-cut to five years later and I'm a scornful, cynical city dweller who would rather cross the street to avoid another human being than grit my teeth in a smile; and I'm sure I'm not the only Chicago resident who has dark fantasies about tripping an ambling tourist into the path of a raging taxi cab.

Alicia has been a great friend of mine for nearly a decade now. Having her here--out of her element of corn husks and morbidly obese Fort Wayne residents, I noticed that her spirit didn't waver. This observation only deepened when I read the blog entry to which this long-winded diatribe is in response to. And it got me thinking.

I realized I don't have to be such a sardonic prick to my fellow human beings, and I decided to make a change. I was going to get back to my roots; to the nice, mild-mannered film geek I was as a high school freshman eight years ago. And in the week since I last experienced Alicia's viewpoint on life, my "new personality" has gotten me somewhere. Somewhere I would have never expected. Somewhere I can only describe as...

Absolutely nowhere.

Yesterday, an elderly man tripped and fell on the sidewalk. I was the one who rushed to his aid and offered my hand to assist him. The gratification in his eyes resulted in a feeling I haven't experienced in a long while: warmth. Making sure he was okay, I watched him trek off down the street, and I felt pretty good. And I was still feeling pretty good when the universe repaid me by allowing a barrage of scummy, soapy, disgusting foam to rain down upon me from the window cleaners on the office building above.

Later, I offered a fellow smoker my cigarette lighter, only to have him walk off without returning it.

Waiting in the checkout line at a grocery store I chipped in $2.14 for two young children who were trying to purchase a bottle of dishwashing liquid, only to have one of them sneeze all over my pants.

I smiled at a fellow commuter on the 'L', as Alicia would do, only to have her look as me as if I just slapped her mother.

I helped a gentleman wrestle his child stroller into the trunk of his car; and later my sunglasses were stolen. Granted it only cost $9.99 to replace them, but $9.99 can get you a lot these days (like a bootleg Godzilla DVD from sumogorilla.com.)

Oh, and let's not forget that I missed out on meeting one of my biggest idols this week--the Man, my inspiration to be a filmmaker, Mr. Reservoir Dogs himself, Quentin Tarantino. He had appeared for a private early screening of his operatic WWII flick, Inglourious Basterds...and I was nowhere to be found in his crowd of fans, despite the fact that I spend the vast majority of my time interning at a post-production house two blocks down the street from the movie theater he graced...and that's where I had been a mere hour before he appeared.

It's the revised story of my life; I scratch the world's back and the world sticks a knife in mine.

I know it may seem to the casual reader (especially if you don't personally know me) that I feel as though the world owes me something. But relax--I'm not rocking out to Zevon's "Poor, Poor Pitiful Me." Because you know what? I still feel pretty damn good helping out my fellow Chicagoians. And let's face it, the bad things that are happening to me would probably still be happening if I had remained my pessimistic, cynical self. The choice we have been dealt as civilized humans is to A) walk around pretending like the people you come across don't exist and get shat upon by the world, or B) treat the people you come across as if they're an old friend, worthy of your respect and kindness...and get shat upon by the world.

In closing, I am also the friend Alicia mentioned in her blog with the quotable college diploma. "Go forth and author the culture of our times." However, what Alicia didn't tell you is that my diploma is printed on the cheapest of card stock in the cheapest of red arial font . A $100,000 piece of paper given to me by a self-proclaimed auspicious art school that specializes in film and graphic design (and, for the record, I'm still jockeying the register at a local grocery store. Thanks, Columbia!) I'm convinced that my entire tuition went toward those cheap schmucks finding an applicable quote to print upon it.

But that quote succeeded in inspiring a friend whom I trust with my life. And in doing so, I was inspired to open my eyes to a life that's not as bleak as I'd once thought.

It's a beautiful world out there.

If you have the patience for it.

coming soon ...

2009-08-19T18:33:00.001-04:00

The very first guest blog appearance is coming soon :) get pumped!!

i love my brother.

2009-08-19T12:50:00.005-04:00

yea, this is from last christmas ... but this guy is the bomb.com

everyone calls him Dave now but to me he will always be David, my little brother. He is the most caring guy in the world and i am so proud of him. he's starting a program to become a physical therapy assistant with intentions of being a physical therapist in the future! he's really good at being in shape and helping other people get in shape as well. he'll be the first guy to help you out- even if it means beating up the bad guy! but he still knows that i could kick the crap out of him at the end of the day, as seen here! :)

i love you, david :)

It rocked my world

2009-08-18T09:02:00.003-04:00

In 2007 I spent the summer in Ocean City, NJ.

It was a life-changing summer - it was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

My good friend and mentor, Kristen, gave our bible study CDs of the band that played at the large group meeting - the Cal Poly SLO Cru Band. The intro is awesome. It contains the sound bites of different messages throughout the previous year. The very last statement turned my world upside down when I first heard it - and I have wrestled it with ever since:

"I want to tell you something - true worshipers do not worship God because He did something for them. True worshipers follow God because He is God.

No other reason."

It's implications and meaning challenge my faith and question my motives. To follow God with true worship involves purity of the heart. There's no deal, no promises, no guarantees. (After all, in the words of David Williams, 'Is the death and love of Christ not enough?!") It requires no hidden motives, just a desire to be with Him.

humbled, and following for no other reason,

alicia

re: Culture

2009-08-17T14:24:00.002-04:00

Look down.

Don't smile.

Keep going.

Lock the door.

Trust no one.

...no wonder people don't believe in love.

There are these two little girls that live in Chicago. They have big beautiful brown eyes that light up when they smile. Their faces have childhood joy written all over them. They are still in awe of the world - they still know better than to believe the worst in someone. They still know better than to get wrapped up in the cares of this world. They still dream, they still imagine, they still hope - without hesitation or doubt.

I got to meet them this weekend while riding the L with some friends. We made eye contact and smiled. For the duration of our 45 minute ride there were smiles passed back and forth. I'll probably never see them again ....

...but it got me thinking.

I was told by my friends that you don't look at people when riding public transportation. You keep to yourself, put an iPod in, read or stare out the window, and get out without any human exchange. To do so is rude, suggestive, or just weird. At first it made sense. It's safe. It's polite. It keeps you out of the way of others and keeps them out of yours. It lets us continue the mad rush of life we live and keeps us content with letting time slip through our fingers like sand.

However there is a very audacious and beautiful statement written on the diploma of my friend, Brennan, who just graduated Columbia Film School. It commissions their graduates to "Go out and author the culture of our world...."

We are the authors of our culture.

There is a wonderful charge to this statement. It means we get to chose the tone, the style, the events, and the times we live in. We are not merely participants in a rhythm and flow assigned to our generation.

We are defining it by the beat of our footsteps.

So why not smile to those we walk by on the street? Why not offer a helping hand even if it makes you a few minutes late to that appointment? What if you forsake that A+ at school or a few extra dollars at work so that you can be with those you love the most a few more minutes in the day? Why not refuse to live in fear? Because we can be the ones who will wreck hate and replace it with love. We could be capable of listening to the cries that are ignored. We might be able to be healed by bringing healing to those with wounds that run deeper than our own. We are capable of changing culture norms that capture and contain us in boxes.

If we want it.

To be sure, we will be defined regardless of our intention in forming that definition. We will be remembered whether or not we shape that memory. How can my generation begin their marriages, careers, and families with intention rather than with careless indifference? No one ever plans on failing but few plan not to.

As for me I want to look this world in the eye and be Love at any cost. It may cost my safety, my job, my reputation, or even my life.

But everything in this life is worth nothing when it is held up the the Cross.

And in any loss, I will gain the likes of the smiles of two little girls awaiting the chance to define their own generation.

The world needs hope & love more than we need our safety.

What we were made to be

2009-08-17T11:39:00.001-04:00

"We were made to be enchanted, enamored, and engrossed with God; enthralled, enraptured, and entranced with God; enravished, excited, and enticed by God; astonished, amazed, and awed by God; astounded, absorbed, and agog with God; beguiled and bedazzled; startled and staggered; smitten and stunned; stupefied and spellbound; charmed and consumed; thrilled and thunderstruck; obsessed and preoccupied; intrigued and impassioned; overwhelmed and overwrought; gripped and rapt; enthused and electrified; tantalized, mesmerized, and monopolized; fascinated, captivated, and exhilarated by God; intoxicated and infatuated with God!"

-Dr. Sam Storms

How do you feel about God today? Any of those apply?

welcome to the testing ground

2009-08-16T14:43:00.002-04:00

So if you have seen approximately 230498349875 versions of this blog in the past 24 hours, I apologize - it was time for something new and I was testing out different templates I found online. This current one (called "Water Color" from BTemplates) is wonderful but still not quite what I am looking for.

This would all be easier if I could remember HTML/CSS.

The 3 things I'm looking for are:

a white/light colored background - because black/dark ones make me fall asleep and make me long for sunshine. aka they are depressing.

the main text to be the first thing you see after the title. the one format had the info column on the left which distracts your eyes from the main event. this one keeps the archive to the right - as an afterthought, which is what it should be.

a background and theme that reflects the title of the blog. AND a background that doesn't involve an abundance of pink/skulls/flowers/beaches/depressing photos/new age scenery/everything else that you seem to find an abundance of when searching free template sites.

so i think this find is a good 2 out of 3 ... which will do. i really like the water color even though it's not too rooftop or secret. pictures to come as i learn how to operate flickr :)

but as the reader, i want to know if YOU like it! let me know because i would love for you to enjoy your stay here :)

ok, enough techie talk ... thoughts on culture to come....

your nerd of the day,

alicia

Yay love!!

2009-08-14T14:13:00.003-04:00

My very good friend from high school, Dan McEowen, is getting married tonight to the absolutely beautiful Emily ... something. I've only met her once so I don't know her last name :) BUT I do know that after one meeting with her was enough to know that she is perfect for Dan.

They are great people and they love Jesus a ton.

I get the honor of watching these two start their life together in Chicago tonight and I'm super pumped.

Congrats Dan & Emily :)

Chop, Chop!

2009-08-13T18:24:00.002-04:00

In March one of my best friends, Amber, got married to Mr. Jeremy Lee. After the wedding I decided to cut my hair off...

... then I flaked out.

Then, when I graduated college, I decided THAT would a good time to lose the locks....

....then I bailed, again.

This June I had a hair cut and I thought, "Now's the time! Hello summer, farewell long hair!"

....fail, part tres.

But today is a new day! I didn't tell anyone this time (except Heather Chapman, who eerily posted on my facebook wall about our common desire to chop off our hair) I knew that I would psych myself out and I wanted to feel spontaneous (but after 6 months of procrastination, it's probably not that last-minute)

So here it is! My hair - the shortest it has ever been!! I love it!!

Bounce, Bounce!

2009-08-12T16:11:00.002-04:00

Some things that have been playing racquet ball in my head so I thought I'd bring the game to the blog ...

1. Fort Wayne is known by its young inhabitants for being boring. It was no secret that downtown was lame - the Embassy was pretty cool and Coney Island was sweet but that was about it. But the city has taken initiative to change that over the past few years and I am really, really impressed! The new Grand Wayne Center, Library, Children's Zoo and Tincaps stadium are all so well-built and look awesome. Good job at killing the Lame, F-dub. Well done.

2. I miss coaching. I miss the perspective I got to see and be a part of because I was around tons of kids for 4 hours every day. Young'ns are so care-free, witty, and excited about everything - and it reminds me to do the same.

3. I am a flake. After spending a summer of calling people and trying to contact them, I realize how disrespectful I am when I don't call people back. I wasn't good at that - for real, I can send you a list of people who can verify that if you'd like. Now I am trying to return calls and get back to people as fast as I can. I have no idea if they are working on deadlines or if they just want to chat but I want to be a part of each. Plus, now that all my close friends have exploded into different parts of the world I need to be diligent to keep in contact with them - even if its only for 15 minutes or a short email a week ;)

4. I don't know where the rest of my support is going to come from. I need 25% more to get down to Bloomington and the past few days have been daydreams about where it's going to come from. Thankfully, God has been faithful and has entrusted me to do the same. NO complaining is needed (although I sure act like it sometimes), just faith and action working together. I'm so glad that I'm not in charge and that it is the Holy Spirit helping me with completing this task. Otherwise, I would have handed in the towel about 2.5 months ago.

5. My friend Kristi is in Africa - if you could hear the story about how she got there you would be like WHOA - trust me because that's how I feel. I am so proud of her and her determination to obey God even when a ton of people were pretty upfront with her that she should just forget it. Pray for her and the ministry of the Jesus Film Project - they need it!

OK, that's it.

thanks for playing,

Alicia

Running Straight While Dizzy

2009-08-11T00:26:00.003-04:00

"Even when there no reason to hope, Abraham kept hoping ... he never wavered in believing God's promise. In fact, his faith grew stronger, and in this he brought glory to God. He was fully convinced that God is able to do whatever he promises."

Romans 4:18a, 20-21

These verses have brought me so much encouragement in the past few days. Recently I felt as though I needed to share it to some close friends of mine. Most of the people I know right now are in the midst of a whirlwind of transition and adjustment. From ending college or starting the end of college, starting grad school, looking for employment with mixed success, making new friends and missing old ones, finding a new church, saying goodbye to family and moving away, beginning a marriage or preparing for a baby ...

Life is crazy.

And in these times I personally freak out. It's never a moderate mood that I find myself in when life gets shaken up. I'm either super excited, overwhelmed, nervous, or so sick of those three that I become like jello - I'll just sit there and wiggle once in a while. The unknown is huge and crazy and what if I'm not prepared and time to be a big girl and let's go find out what's next! I love changing the pace and finding a new adventure to be a part of. Routine usually leaves me in a rut, bored, or puts me to sleep. (To be sure, it's a good thing to be routine in self-discipline, exercise , brushing your teeth, etc... )

However sometimes it gets kind of scary:

I can't take yesterday into tomorrow.

There might be things I really loved from yesterday that I won't have tomorrow.

I may get trapped in regrets for parts of yesterday instead of looking ahead to prepare for tomorrow.

Sometimes it's simply living doubt (thus fear) rather than choosing to live in hope (thus joy).

Everything from yesterday was familiar and tomorrow is completely foreign.

I may not like tomorrow as much as I liked yesterday.

I may fail tomorrow.

And I think I feel this more now than ever before because one huge thing changed that was always, always true of me - I was a student for almost 20 years. That's a huge career change! I am no longer trying to find classes and doing homework and procrastinating studying. And if I can be complete honest with you, I really miss it. I don't know how to be not a student. The memories I have are proof that God has blessed me with a beautiful childhood, fun high school years, and absolutely incredible college days.

But the great thing is God is forever right even when my perspective is limited. And he is ready, willing, and excited to help me see things from the heavenlys rather than let me drag my feet. It's ok to freak out - He's bigger than our explosions of emotion. However we are being foolish if we neglect to lay all those emotions at the cross.

Sure it's scary.

But there's Hope to have even when mine got lost. There's a plan, a dream, a KINGDOM to live for and further - even when we get a little dizzy from the whirlwind of change. He has determined our journey and is really, REALLY excited to run along side us as we step into the race He has marked out. And the best part about it is that He considers it glory to His name when we simply close our eyes and trust that tomorrow is in greater hands than our own.

dizzy with hope,

alicia

Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun ...

2009-07-27T15:06:00.004-04:00

[warning: longer than most. proceed with the possibility that you may get bored or need a nap in the middle]

Sometimes I feel pretty dim.

Failures start to creep up over the horizon like dark clouds on a beautiful day. They take the form of mistakes, regrets, consequences of mistakes&regrets ... and the air begins to take on that sickly green&yellow color that preludes hail and tornados. Much like those fun-hating storms, failures take over the sky of my life and let lose a torrent of insecurity, worry, doubt, fear. Often times, I feel as though I'm stranded in a boat at the mercy of the waves. The storm doesn't waste much time to transcend my external surroundings and makes its way into my heart - convincing me that this sickly green&yellow color it a good color to paint the walls of my heart. Its downpour blinds me so that I am susceptible to the belief that the storm is all that there is to see.

I have heard that there are two types of reactions people have to near-death or catastrophic situations. Simply someone either "gives up" or "gets going." Either they let death catch them and swallow them whole or they kick and punch and bite their way into survival. How do you know which one you are? Unfortunately you really don't know until you are stuck in a situation that commands one reaction or the other. It has been studied in how men and women survive parachute accidents, car bombing, or scuba mishaps.

I would like to say that I have fairly good - yet slightly shaky - evidence that I would fight for life. The first car wreck I was in was one that could have been a lot worse than it was. It was only after I knew that everyone was ok in both cars that I completely lost it and curled up in the fetal position. I didn't even scream when the other car smashed into the passenger side. In 2008 I was driving on a very icy back road with little traction or view into the night sky. There was 3 other girls in the car, all excited for the Florida cruise we were about to take. The snow was so thick that I lost control of the car and drifted into the other oncoming lane - with a car quickly approaching. I sat up straight and jerked the car in the other direction, causing it to fly off the left side of the road (out of the oncoming vehicle's path) and into a ditch (inches from a huge metal fence). It was only after we got back onto the road that I screamed and began to shake with fear about what had just happened.

My reaction to life's metaphorical storms can be different however. I sometimes let my failures have the upper hand. My teeth don't grit and my body doesn't tense with the determination to round-house kick those storm clouds in the face. I do believe it is a life or death situation - maybe not my physical life but my daily purpose. I respond by clamming up - killing the offering of encouragement, discernment, or even the casual 'hello' that I have to offer others. My perspective gets distorted - this molehill of weakness that I am working on overcoming becomes a mountain in which I have no adequate tools to climb.

And that is SO lame.

Jesus Christ says in 4 different times to 4 different groups of people that He has lit a flame in our hearts. This light supernaturally illuminates us - making us translucent. That means we know that just above the storm clouds there burns a sun that will eventually break the sickly green&yellow color with a huge beam of white. That means we can openly show and tell of our cares and troubles because, as CS Lewis says, they are indeed real but in the light of Christ they become ghosts in comparison. "No one lights a lamp and then puts in under a basket. No, they place it on a stand so that everyone in the house can see." (Matthew 4)

We can face the dim, with little view into when or how the darkness will break, because there is a light that burns within us that will light the way. And so we can be the on that breaks the clouds in the storm of another person's life. We can bring hope where someone is sinking. God has set his children on a stand because He has chosen to illuminate the world using our story of His redemptive work in our lives.

So I'm going to light up this life because someone may need it so they can find their way Home. And you - you go on and do the same. He who has called us it faithful.

TGBTG.

prayer request para tu

2009-07-23T21:44:00.004-04:00

hey :)

so i know that the audience of this blog has stumbled upon this page from a variety of backgrounds. it's posted on facebook, i list it on twitter & my CCC staff page, and maybe you just heard about it from me or someone else.

regardless, i'm really glad you are here and completely humbled that you check in with this blog. honestly, i like to write and always wish i was doing more of it - but it's amazing that people like to read what comes out of these ten fingers. you are a bunch of people i know in various capacities and maybe even some are here that I have never met at all.

whoever you are - regardless of where you are in your walk with the Lord - I have a prayer request for you. I'm raising support (as you may know) and I am coming close to the end of my time to do so. Additionally there are 4 other Indiana University grads that are in the same position that I am in (Katie who is going to Venezuela, Brennon, Brian, and David). Currently I have a little more than half - so I have a little less than halfway to go. The other four are in a similar position. Could you, wherever you are, say a prayer for God to provide for us?

And here is what He is providing for: a chance for men and women to come to know Jesus for the first time, opportunities for small groups to form and grow in their walks with God, lives to go from completely lost to completely alive through knowledge and experience of Jesus' love for them. God is going to use the students and staff to bring His kingdom to Indiana University - heaven will be a little more evident on this campus by the time this year is over. We are praying for revival, curiosity and desire for God, community that goes against the worldly lure of lust and greed - we are praying for things that will forever change eternity.

Thank you so much for your prayers. It is so good to be surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses.

believing bigger than ever before,

alicia

kids!

2009-07-20T23:07:00.002-04:00

...you are in love with both of them, aren't you?

haha this picture makes my heart melt and burst out in laughter all at the same time. These two girls, along with a lot of others, have taught me so much about God & life & love ... and they are both under 8. I won't publish their names so to respect their family & privacy but I do want to share with you a little bit of God's tangible love to me these past 6 weeks.

The girl in the middle, LD, is one of the most talented swimmers I have ever seen. Her capability in the water at her age is phenomenal! Watch out world! But to see her outside the pool she is just this tiny little girl who has so much sweet personality. She already has this generous and encouraging spirit about her - she would always get a huge smile and wave really big right before throwing her arms around me. At meets, she would stand next to me, waiting to hear the name I would cheer for and then she would join me in cheering on a fellow swimmer. We got to celebrate together when Arlington was announced 2nd place! She is so precious and I am going to miss her a lot!

The girl on the right, JE, has an attitude that matches that silly face - JE is a bit rough around the edges but has a heart of gold once you are patient enough to see it. She is really good in the water when she tries to be but most of the reason why I love her is because she is so honest. "This is boring" "I don't like you" "I hate swimming" and yes, "you need to shave your legs: were not uncommon to hear. I caught on that the comments were more a cover-up. The more I learned how to encourage her the more she seemed to enjoy swim team. One day we talked on the side of the pool and I told her that it didn't matter how much she didn't like the me or the other coaches, I really liked her and missed her when she wasn't there. Every day after that she would always come up to me, smile really big and awkwardly and say "hi!"

God loves us so well and I think when we are around kids a lot we can see a bit into how that love works. It's exhausting, frustrating, and relentless - but all those things are outweighed by how rewarding it is just to have a smile that took weeks to see or little arms give you the biggest hug imaginable.

Amen.

2009-07-08T16:43:00.002-04:00

"He held his head as if he faced a challenge and found joy in his capacity to meet it. All that [she] wanted of life was contained in the desire to hold her head as He did." - Ayn Rand

(It's crazy to think about the fact that Ayn Rand was a adamant atheist - yet wrote a sentence that reads as if she just got done reading Hebrews 12...and yea, I capitalized the last "He" just to make it a bit more obvious :) )

short n' sweet

2009-07-01T22:55:00.002-04:00

Here's what I know:

He gives EXACTLY what we need EXACTLY when we need it.

And we'll receive it (with gratitude, hopefully!) if we're listening, waiting, watching.

"So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever." 2 Corinthians 4:18

I am so thankful for JACKIE, SAM, & KATIE for the encouragement they brought me today. A girl could not ask for better friends like them! (and you, too :) )

180 degrees, please.

2009-06-29T19:55:00.002-04:00

Confession: I'm pretty discouraged.

However it is a choice to remain this way and the following is my choice to choose something different.

The discouragement comes from some complications from a minor surgery I had last week. It's left me with little energy to work on support raising for the ministry I'm doing in the coming school year. In turn, I have experienced doubt and worry due to not being where I need to be for my next milestone mark. I hesitate to share more because my intentions are to reveal the source, not list out complaints.

"All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. It is by his great mercy that we have been born again, because God raised Jesus Christ from the dead. Now we live with great expectation, and we have a priceless inheritance - an inheritance that is kept in heaven for you, pure and undefiled, beyond the reach of change and decay. And through your faith, God in protecting you by his power until you receive this salvation, which is ready to be revealed on the last day for all to see." [1 Peter 1:3-5]

I have a great expectation - a hope in a promise that I am waiting to be fulfilled. I am trusting in a God who has pardoned my sins and heals my wounds. My life was saved by Love - and thus is defined by it as well. I talk of an eternity my mind will never fully comprehend and my words will never fully articulate. The God I love is one that spoke and the mountains rose from the dirt. I am a result of his imagination. His dreams and ideas resulted in every single breath I take. My passions, thoughts, actions, and words are in a rapid process of springing off the pages of Heaven, walking onto the ground of Earth, and then fading into history.

I have little time to respond to the Love that changed my life - so I do not understand why my body has been commanded to be temporarily disabled. If the Lord would merely speak, my speech would be restored and my hearing enabled. (It is incredible how much we rely on the simplest things, like speech. Try not talking for two days. I have so much more compassion for those who cannot talk - to put it simply, it sucks!) But for now He has chosen to be silent on the matter, so I must wait. Wait, with an understanding that He is faithful to bring into reality the dreams He has whispered into my heart.

With every day that passes there is more and more evidence that my ministry and the provision for it will be entirely credited to the Lord's sovereignty. While I face the confusion of this life's change and decay, it is so amazing to know that there is something waiting that cannot be conquered, cannot be moved, cannot be taken away.

I do feel protected. I have not forgotten that everything will turn out to the glory of God. Maybe you know the feeling of the depression that creeps in after being unhealthy for a week or so. That's where I am today. But a good friend of mine once said that the phrase, "God is good" means so much more than he could ever say. I like that he sees so much truth in such a short statement. He is good. And I am his.

the work God did [follow up]

2009-06-15T16:30:00.002-04:00

Yep, I'm lame for taking 2 weeks to update you all on what happened with the Rev. and with the bible class - deepest apologies, I was elsewhere. :)

Last Tuesday morning I came to swim practice with khakis and a blouse, makeup on, and my hair dried & straightened - officially the most done up I have ever appeared to a pool. After working with the little 8 years learn how to swim backstroke, I took off for a downtown Baptist Church.

I showed up to a group of about 20 elderly folk - all 65 or over. They were the most sincere people I have ever met! So friendly and so excited to see someone under the age of 30. Unknown to me, I was the main event for the morning. So I sat next to this troublemaker old man - he was even named Serge! We sang some songs out of an old hymnal. (They wanted me to pick a song - so I just flipped to a page and said, "This one!" because I had no idea what to pick.) It was so cool to read the words written by a previous generation. It was the same amazed wonder at God's love, reminder to worship the Lord wholeheartedly, and challenge to bring the Gospel to the nations as I hear in the songs my generation have written. The method and melody may be different but the worship & sincerity is the same! Amazing.

So I shared my story with them and the mission of Cru - to reach students for Christ and build them up to send them out to reach the world. They were so excited to hear about it. They were concerned about our generation - about how so many people our age just peace out of the church until they pop out some kids. We talked for about 30 minutes, asking each other questions and encouraging each other in the Lord's work. It was an amazing conversation! To see all these men & women who have run the majority of the race God marked out for them and yet still press on was so encouraging.

However, when it came time to ask about signing on for support no one responded. Everyone was genuine in their gratitude for me coming and some promised to pray for my ministry. But nobody could support me financially. This was a huge bummer to me at first. I got in my car fighting discouragement like whoa (aka tears.) and was honestly a bit ticked at God. "Uh, God, you threw this in my lap and then threw it in my face. Thanks... not really."

And then, with His usual "Ahhhha! Gotcha!" M.O., He dropped in and spoke the following:

"Since when was it ever about you, Miss Thang? Oh that's right, never. You think that this support stuff gives you a right to make life about you because it's working towards my Kingdom. Well, let me tell you something: You are selfish and I am working to destroy that. Today was not about you. Today was about them. You heard their prayers for relief of aches and rest for their bones. They needed your life and encouragement more than you needed their money. It will come from elsewhere. So. Chill. Out."

Hahaha, touche'. God is good. And I....well, I suck. Initially, and then God gives me His perspective and I fall silent to the gratitude that He would use me to brighten the spirits of the saints who hang out together in a downtown church on Tuesday mornings.

Solo Deo Gloria, eh? Yep. Always.

God is doing the work, part 38420

2009-06-03T08:54:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was amazing.

After coming back from a run I dove right in to doing the miscellaneous to-do list I had for support raising. Yea, didn't even take a shower. (Gross? Maybe. But F-dub is doing a throw back to April I guess because it's only been 60 degrees the past 2 days! So I wasn't toooo disgusting :) )

Most of what I had to do involved multiple trips to the mailbox to send letters and forms off to their destination. On the 2nd of about 5 trips (why 5 instead of just one? I get excited about mail. so going there as soon as I have a letter done is internally gratifying like whoa.) I was praying for the Lord to provide more contacts - I am beginning to see that I don't know enough people to meet my goals. As I was praying, I looked over and saw my retired neighbor in his yard. He looked as me with a strange glance and said, "Don't you kids use email these days?!" Hearing this made me laugh and we started to chat. I had actually never meet this man - he moved in while I was in college. I told him that I was sending letters to raise support for Campus Crusade for Christ. After introducing myself, he smiled a rather mischievous grin and said, "Hello, I'm Rev. Allen."

[internal monologue at this moment: AHHHHH GOD!!! HE'S A CHRISTIAN!!] So after mustering up some confidence I asked him if he would like to hear about my ministry and possibly get involved. To which he responded: "Well, I don't know how much I can help you out but I teach a class on Tuesday mornings and I'm sure they would love to hear about your ministry and help you out some. Why don't you come in next week?"

[internal monologue: God, you have got to be kidding me. You show-off - but I love it!!] Seriously, I was floored - I even asked him once or twice "Really? Like, should I call and confirm this later?" ...because I could not believe the Lord's amazing faithfulness at this point. He literally answered my prayers as I was praying them - I don't know if that has ever happened before in my life. It was like he set this opportunity in front of me as response to my heart and then gave me the boldness and choice to open my mouth and trust that He would take care of the rest.

So, God is great!! It was incredible to see God's desire for this whole ministry thing to work out - it's humbling to see him and almost hear him say, "This is my calling for you, this my love for you, walk in faith and watch me move to world to bring my Kingdom to earth through your life."

Please pray for next Tuesday, if you think about it - for God to do big things through it! And for me as I speak in faith and boldness. Hopefully this encourages you too - it's so good to hear that God is working among His people. :)

totally humbled and grateful,

Alicia

Dear Isaiah:

2009-06-02T11:16:00.003-04:00

Isaiah,

I have a friendship crush on you. You really stuck it to Israel when they were being morons. Your words o' hope are mind-blowing. The imagery you use defines my heart and satisfies my soul better than any dictionary or personality test ever could, you little divinely-inspired-writer you. I mean -

"You will keep in perfect peace all those who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!" [26:3]

...it doesn't get much better than that. It's a promise and command with some wisdom on the side. Well done. Way to listen to the Most High and help the rest of humanity do the same.

"Lord, we show you our trust in you by obeying your laws; our heart's desire is to glorify your name"

[26:8]

Yep, that's one of those verses that makes that lil light o' mine shine even brighter. Because sometimes it gets confusing, you know? Trusting God - what does that mean?! We can't play the 'fall backward and trust that I'll catch you' game with an invisible deity whose existence is beyond our realm of being. But OH! God, I can trust you by obeying you. (and what is similar and maybe even slightly more inspiring: showing God you love him by obeying him. see John 14:15) Because if I trust you, Lord, I won't worry about tomorrow (Matthew 6:33-34). If I trust you, I'll give away what's been given to me without a second thought. (Luke 12:48 & Mark 8:36) and if I trust you, I will rejoice in suffering because I knew there's better things coming. (Romans 8:18-23)

"Lord, you will grant us peace; all we have accomplished is really from you. O Lord, our God, others have ruled us but you alone are the one we worship."

[26:12-13]

Isai, ("Izz-ae" is how you say that. it's my new abrev. for my new homeboy.) I know when you wrote that, you meant it for real. Israel have been ruled by other kings, sent into exile and been abandoned by God because their lack o' faith in you. But you acknowledge that even when your people weren't being idiots, all the good they had was from you anyways. But I'm not sure if the Holy Spirit filled you in as He was guiding that heart and hand of yours, but your words about other nations have survived well past the countries that ruled Israel (although Israel is still around - so, you know, God's promise is good so far.)

Now, when I read them, my heart flips - not because of a government change over my life but because I have been ruled by other things that don't take the form of human crown and authority. (although, who knows what the future holds?) Instead of Egypt or Moab, my rulers are named pride and laziness. Well done, Isaiah. Not many writers transcend generations, cultures, concepts, and time - all the while staying true and relevant. You are part of a sweet club in heaven, I bet. Which only makes my friendship crush bigger because maybe just maybe you can get me into the VIP room in heaven.

Anyways, I just wanted to tell you. Confess my feelings and see if you felt the same. Let me know. You have some time to think about it, God willing. Hopefully I have a few more days on Earth - there's still some stuff I have to do. But when I get there, we can go for a walk in the VIP garden and we'll have a great friendship DTR.

Can't wait to chat!

love,

Alicia

hahaha God ... you are such a jokester

2009-06-02T01:08:00.003-04:00

Today I was fightin' the blues for no reason other than to experience grace to endure the day. I was a little down and maybe just maybe had a few tears stain my face. Support calls were so-so and my prayers were more in the form of pleading than trusting.

So I was on the deck in my backyard, staring at the sky and enjoying the perfect summer day shutdown when my brother comes out to join me. It is so great to be able to spend a little time with him. We don't get to hang out much so it's a valuable occurrence when it does happen. My anxious thoughts began to relax just for the simple fact that here I was, in a perfect setting with my awesome brother catching up on life.

Then my phone rings. And I get the biggest gift yet to go toward ministry at IU.

God doesn't seem to like responding to anxiety or worry - it only reinforces more of the same in our hearts. When my guard was down and my eyes weren't glancing back and forth waiting for something to happen is when God dropped in.

It was a really exciting thing to happen and I really felt God's love in it all. Just wanted to share with you :)

I have to wake up in 4 hours.

2009-06-01T03:16:00.003-04:00

There is a lot that I totally suck at.

For example, any sport that involves a round object being swung at by some sort of hitting device is no friend of mine. Golf, tennis, badminton, baseball, softball... Alicia = no good. My eyes can't talk to my arms and hands fast enough to do anything worthwhile or talented in those sports. One of my best friends, Sam, has completed the New York Times Sunday Crossword in ink with no mistakes. Twice. My expanse of trivial knowledge and obscure English words could never measure up to that steal trap that is her mind. Singing isn't a good story either - my best friend throughout middle school and high school, Faith, was an opera singer prodigy while I was lip-syncing to Spice Girls and Incubus. (I still have a few songs that she did in high school on my playlist - she genuinely has one of the prettiest voices I have ever heard, even as an 18 year old untrained amateur).

And then there are deeper things that, if they were to take the form of a 6th grade book report, would have a huge, threatening letter "F" written on the top. The kind of grade that covers up your name and is written in some horrible shade of red that makes you feel as though you may disappear in some shameful implosion. Like confidence - there are painful life events that I can trace from kindergarden until today that were rooted in a lack of security. The funny thing about it is that I have no idea how it happened. The loss of confidence, I mean. Certainly there was one day on the playground where I dropped it. Maybe it fell in the mud or maybe I just didn't realize how important it was when it fell out of my hands.

Anyways, there was no huge, life altering event that left me with this particular limp. My conclusion for today is that God created a strong, confident, beautiful, faithful woman to inhabit this body of mine. But when my life was spilled from His hands into this world, the scars of sin tore at what they could and then tossed the leftovers to me.

The funny thing about insecurity is that I know I am being absolutely ridiculous. It's a messed up form of pride or vanity that drives me to worry about impressions or looks or ability. Satan couldn't get me to turn away from God but he certainly puts up an impressive fight to get me to turn away from myself.

I don't know about yours, but in my mind, insecurity usually takes the form of comparison, name-calling, and condemnation: "You'll never be as charming as her. You selfish, ignorant, whore. God has chosen to abandon you and He will never come back." It leaves this horrible - and at times, debilitating - feeling in my stomach.

And really, if we're being honest with ourselves - our insecurities are, in fact, true. Perhaps that's why they sting so bad - let me be honest in hopes of encouraging the same in you: I am so, so ugly. I am a liar. I am a thief. I will manipulate people and situations to get what I want. I am not good enough. I am not strong enough. I am boring, washed out, and a waste of time.

...at least, I was.

God has this huge, universe-size answer to all of this. Of course we suck, of course our securities leave us paralyzed - it is failure we were born into, it is lack of holiness that conceives us! But in His incredible, incomprehensible grace, God paid for every single mistake we have ever - or will ever - make. Including doubting the creation He has sustained in our bodies and world. A lack of confidence reflects a lack or knowledge and trust in a higher authority than our own. We are all too aware of how human we really are - it is humanity's body that we dwell in. So our hearts and ears must strain towards the truth that covered the former condition with Christ's blood, making us

holy

blameless

righteous

priests of the Most High God.

Recently I have found God's grace to be the very essence of what gets me through every day. I've got some baggage that needs to be dropped and it has been grace that has begun to loosen my fingers. I write this haphazard ramble - at 4am - partly as public confession. Hopefully it was more than a memoir of me but also a springboard for you to remember the Gospel in whatever way this post speaks to you.

That's really the whole point of it all, anyways :)

2009-05-25T19:32:00.001-04:00

"I want God to fix the world, but He wants to fix me.
I pray for ease, but He gives endurance.
I keep trying to improve to impress Him, but He’s not impressed.
I call it faith, but He calls it fraud.
I’m trying to add Him to my life, but He’s waiting for me to die.
I worship with songs & sermons, but He wants discipline & dedication.
I read the Word to learn, but He wants me to read the Word to live.
I think …
nevermind.

I’m a work in progress… asking the Lord to be LORD.

-chilly"

...I didn't write it, but this guy did. So good and so true.

Distraction? Yes, please!

2009-05-15T16:26:00.004-04:00

Here's what hours upon hours of Pourhouse & MPD time will do to a girl (0r 2) ...

*photos courtesy of my new MacBook Photobooth. :)

Responsibility [My thoughts on Graduation]

2009-05-12T09:53:00.006-04:00

It's a crazy cool exciting thing to be a college graduate. No more classes, no more exams, no more papers - at least, until graduate school! It's also incredibly humbling - those with college degrees only make up about 1% of the world's population. That's hard to believe after living in a town full of college kids for 4 years! And it also seems strange because around here, the Bachelor's degree is thought of as the new high school diploma - you basically need it to start anywhere. It's common - if you want to be considered really educated, better go back for a Master's or Ph.D.

Another crazy thing I learned a few years ago is that if you make $7/hour or more in America, you are among the richest 12% of the world. That means the average high school-aged lifeguard is richer than 88% of the world. That is crazy!

With those two facts in mind, it's impossible not to think of the incredible responsibility we have as Christians. We have been given so much for the purpose of giving it back. Remember when your parents would give you some change to throw into a fountain at the park or zoo? I don't remember thinking much about the coins in my hand when I was little - rather, I was excited to throw them into the water. It was only when I got older that I realized I could keep it for myself and not do what my parents meant for me to do. (There is so much to a child's heart that we should never grow out of when our years increase.)

God has done the same with his children. American or not, rich or poor, educated or not, those who follow Christ have been given more than they could possibly measure. They have God's eternal favor, his love, protection, inheritance, promise, mercy, and grace - on top of that, the Holy Spirit gives them gifts to be used for the glory of God and the advancement of the Gospel. Those eyes you are reading this sentence with -do you remember who made them and commanded them to help you see? Are you treating them as your own or as gifts to be respected as far as the images they see? The life you currently have - is it you who determined your date of birth, your body, your personality? So is it no surprise that your steps are ultimately not up to you?

Let me confess: I am incredibly challenged by this. As I raise support, I have to remember the provision God has already blessed me with: an amazing family, wonderful friends, a college degree, material wealth, and a healthy life. He has given me such things and has whispered, "I give you these to you in order for you to experience the joy of throwing and giving them away." No doubt, as I follow His calling into ministry, that he will give me exactly what I need to proclaim Christ. When it comes down to it, all I need is Him.

"Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ and become one with Him." Phil 3:8-9a

Splash!

2009-05-05T09:42:00.004-04:00

One class I had this semester was Coaching of Swimming & Diving - it was one of my favorite classes! It reminded me of how much I LOVE swimming - I did it every summer growing up and swam in high school. I definitely missed it when I got to college - although it was nice not to have to swim for 4-5 hours a day during Christmas break.

I got to coach for a summer team a few years ago and thought that was my last time being around a pool for a while. But after taking this class I knew I had to try to find a way to be around green chlorine hair and googles again.

So after a little convo with Sean Gibson and some emails with the President of the team, I'll be an assistant swim coach at Arlington Park Swim & Dive this summer! I'm so excited! Obviously my main job this summer is support-raising - but it will be good to be with the little (and big) fishies of AP again. Freezing water, early mornings, and Fun Fridays - I can't wait!!

Alphabet Soup

2009-05-03T16:54:00.004-04:00

MDP.

VACA.

PPO.

KGP.

TNT.

IKW.

I think we would all be 87% cooler if we used acronyms in 53% of our conversations. Seriously, Campus Crusade for Christ (or, CCC) is partly in the business of winning lost students for Christ and partly in the business of condensing the entire English language into as many ALL CAPS ABREVS as possible. It's a secret language that I got to learn all weekend - and no, I can't tell you what it all is or I'd have to kill you (or I just forgot.)

The funny thing is, you really do feel more capable of conquering the world and more included in life when you catch on. I can have convos with the GLST (Great Lakes Sending Team) that consist of only helping verbs and letters and you would listen with longing and curiosity, only to be disappointed when I smugly look at you with pity that you are not as informed as i am.

OK, for real - Katie, Brian, Pip & I all were in Indy for Intern Kickoff Weekend. (ooo, look for the abrev. above) It was intense - but awesome!! I'm so excited to start working towards my goal this summer. But for now, I have to drive back to Bloomington with KShaw. We have finals week to finish first.

More about this weekend later!

jump on 3 ....

2009-05-01T10:50:00.002-04:00

consider me one who is falling.

not in the negative sense - but the complete opposite! On Tuesday night, at a Martinsville Starbucks (with a free latte! i think the guy knew I was stressed.) God asked me some tough questions. He brought some amazing memories to mind. He challenged me with Luke 15 and parables about searching far and wide for the lost. He encouraged me with Jesus' declaration that even in the darkest places He will build His church - there are no obstacles or illusions that will get in the way of the Kingdom. We wrestled for 2 hours and He won. My fears and perceptions are pinned to the cross, dead. They are not valid excuses or reasons to avoid listening Christ's call.

then He asked me to jump. He asked for obedience. And if I am going to meet with women and tell them to follow God with all their hearts, even when they don't want to - and if I am going to stand up in front of people for a year and speak the Gospel - and most of all, if I am going to call myself a disciple of Jesus then I must give up my dreams in order to be a part of His.

so, with that, I jumped. I'm going to in an intern with Campus Crusade for Christ at Indiana University. I'm going to be a missionary. AHHH!! I'm a preacher of the Gospel - one who has been chosen by God to serve Him directly for the next season of my life. I am SO humbled. and honored. and a little freaked out.

but it's a free-fall and I'm excited for the adventure - because I have NO idea where I'll land.

so this blog is going to transition with me - as I go from student to Cru intern, raise support, and go through this crazy time of life-re arranging, this little blog will help me document the journey. feel free to read along :) I like having you here!

(ps - I am so proud of my best friend, Katie, and her decision to serve God in Venezuela! She has a heart for the nations that blows my mind. I love you KShaw!)

sweet & short for certain

2009-04-29T15:50:00.002-04:00

I just remembered that during senior of high school, I had no idea what college I wanted to attend. I applied to Indiana University, Ball State University, and Southern Indiana. (why I thought USI was a good idea I have no idea) Upon their acceptance, I took a poll via Instant Message and random shouts down senior hall of "where should Alicia go to college?!"

The amusing thing is, I was half serious. I had no pull toward any school. The results ended up with an overwhelming victory for IU. I ended up actually thinking for myself in the end and decided that IU really was where I wanted to go. And it was one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life. I love this place - the people, the town, the atmosphere. I love the memories I have of the past four years. IU and the people I have met here are irreplaceable.

Graduation seems like this really sweet gift from God. Nothing would ever be as sweet as it is if it didn't have an end. Even if I enter into a job that ends up carrying me through the next 50 years, eventually it will end and I will move on - probably, at that point, to death :) If I were to ever get married, there is some risk and knowledge that eventually life with that person will end - either they will go Home first or I will. God gives us these little gifts that are so precious and entrusted to us so we can use them to bring Heaven to Earth. However, He in His wisdom and jealousy of our hearts has given only Himself the capacity to forever be ours. The only perfectly complete and eternally significant gift I possess is Christ's love for my soul.

Anyways, the days are sweet and short for sure. Even in the middle of freaking out about next year, I am so, so thankful for what I have been given.

Love what you have here on Earth and though it may seems a little stranger, love the fact that it will one day be taking from you.

whoa you guys.

2009-04-28T10:29:00.002-04:00

So this week has been kind of up and down as you can imagine but first let me just say:

God is in control.

and, I have a deadline of tomorrow evening to have an idea for next year.

But the point of this post is actually to acknowledge you. First of all, I had no idea so many people read this thing. It makes me want to update more so there's more than one post every few weeks. Out of the previous post I have received numerous messages, texts, emails, and verbal encouragements. Second - thank you so much. God has used each and every one of you to remind me numerous times daily - literally - and it has blown me away. I have seen very clearly how God uses the Church to lift up those who are discouraged. I am humbled that you would reach out and give me hope when mine was lost. I can't believe how blessed I am to have friends like you. With the love I have been shown directly by God and by you I am challenged to love in the exact same & selfless way.

"Every time I think of you, I give thanks to my God. Whenever I pray, I make my requests for all of you out of joy, for you have been my partners in spreading the Good News about Christ from the first time you heard it until now." Philippians 1:3-5

Daring to Hope

2009-04-23T10:00:00.002-04:00

There is an email currently sitting in my Inbox from Teach for America. The subject line reads "Your Teach for America Application," and I think I've only read one line of the whole form letter. It was about 3 sentences in but it was the first one I read: "...we will not be extending an offer to you..."

dangit.

I haven't deleted it yet. I'm not sure if I want to. It seems like with just one click of the Delete button, all my excitement and work and hope and anticipation just disappears.

Click. Gone.

Let me just confess - I was devastated. I haven't cried that hard in years. That was such a meaningful dream to me. I was so, so excited to pursue it. I thought God was in control. It's a horrible feeling to have something you wanted ripped out from you, and you have no control over your circumstances. It's embarrassing that you have to stand before your friends and family to tell them that you were rejected. On top of that, a flood of murky and bitter thought washes over you - "i'm going to amount to nothing" "everyone else has so many great things going for them" "i'm just not good enough for anything except serving food or being a lifeguard." "even God knows that I suck - and He's protecting the world from the wretchedness of me" "God is mocking me" "if only i would have done this at the interview or said that ..."

But that was Monday night. and Tuesday. And let me be clear: God was so good both of those days. I lashed out in anger at Him and did not want to hear anything he had to say. My blood began to boil when my mind tried to jump over the lost with "oh, it will be ok. there's a better plan. God is in control." There were a lot of thoughts about the "good, Christian way to react," but there was no way I was going to do them. I'm not sure how good they are anyways. Why cover over anger and confusion with meaningless false hope? Would I do that in any other relationship? No - so I wasn't going to do it with God.

Yet through both days so many people sent me texts, called and left messages, emailed me ... God was merciful to reach out to me through the love of others and for that I am so thankful. I ran into two people at the Pourhouse who were so so so encouraging and left me with a ton of perspective. The women in my bible study were incredibly supportive and loved me like whoa. An anonymous girl left me flowers, a cd, and one of the most encouraging messages I've ever read.

I am done crying - it's time to move on. God is very much in control. I must trust Him now more than ever. There is no way that TFA said no without His guidance and while that thought initially infuriates me I have to trust beyond my feelings and beyond my limited perspective.

To be honest, I don't know what's next. But today I feel like Lamentations 3 speaks more of my heart than any words I could ever piece together:

"Peace has been stripped away, and I have forgotten what prosperity is. I cry out, 'My splendor is gone! Everything I had hoped for from the Lord is lost!' The thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time as I grieve my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! ... For no one is abandoned by the Lord forever. Though He brings grief, He also shows compassion because of the greatness of His unfailing love." Lamentations 3:17-22b, 31-32

I love the line "Yet I still dare to hope..." I think that's the next step. I'll dare to hope for the unbelievable.

Counting down till Monday ...sort of

2009-04-16T10:19:00.002-04:00

Monday, April 20th is when I hear back from Teach for America regarding my acceptance/placement into their program. At 8pm, in case you were wondering. I've already planned it out: I'll be in my room, hitting refresh on my email beginning at approximately 7:54pm. Upon hearing the yay/nay from TFA (haha, that rhymed!) I will either scream at the top of my lungs or feel my heart drop out from my chest cavity. I will then celebrate with my roommates and probably have a dance party in the parking lot or there will be a lot of hugging my roommates and perhaps some sort of ice cream run - because high doses of sugar usually help offset the sting of rejection. Either way there will be tears of some sort. Maybe you think that's dramatic - but you're probably also thinking you'd do the same thing about _____. (Enter your dream/plan A for the future here.)

AHHHH so it's getting me all hyped up just thinking about it! BUT ... today is Thursday, April 16. It's my Grandma's 90th birthday (get it, girl!). It's also my last night at co-emcee with Mr. Nick Keswani for Cru. ("Cru is the weekly meeting of Campus Crusade for Christ, which is an international, interdenominational Christian resource for college students ...." It'll be weird not saying that every week!) Katie and I also have a lot of editing to do on our sweet final documentary. I also have to deliver 40 hamburgers to my Psych 101 class to demonstrate the power of motivation. This is also the lecture that the prof asks a guy to strip down naked for the class after presenting him with $1000. It's not a check - it's all benjamins. Yep, I just sounded like P.Diddy. I also have to pack because tomorrow I meet with the beautiful Jackie Detamore and then peace out for a whitewater rafting trip to North Carolina!

All that to say - I can't let the anticipation for April 20th cause me to forget about April 16th. I'm here and there's so much to be a part of and enjoy right NOW. With so little time left as a student, I want to BE in every day that I have. God has ordered that this lap around the sun will be Thursday, April 16th, 2009. And I want to do all I can to be a part of it. It's so good to have things to be excited for and look forward to, but I think a lot of people (including me!) get so wrapped up in what's ahead that they can't see the amazing amount of blessing they have in right now!

So I'm going to value today. And get really giddy when I think about Monday. But then realize I'm trying not to think about it and go back to being in today. Rinse. Repeat. :)

Is

2009-04-11T21:42:00.003-04:00

[this post is actually a compilation of this post. these are my favorites - feel free to share your own :) ]

Easter:

isn't logical. It is simply love.

is when God and man got to look at each other again.

is the end and the very beginning.

is completion.

is victory!

is the whole point.

is what saves our lives.

is the day that death failed the biggest failure the world has ever seen.

is the knowledge that God will go anywhere to find me when I'm lost.

is where we begin our stories while knowing that they will end happily ever after.

is proof that God is never defeated by Good Friday.

is a Ransom we could not pay and a victory we could not win - So God gave us both.

With Good Friday was hope was lost. With Easter hope will never be lost again.